Free Flan

2011-11-17T10:17:00.001-07:00

Hi!

It's been like... a year.

You're probably wondering one of two things:
1. I thought you were dead... or worse!
2. Who is this?

Or maybe:
Why was I not invited to your private and secretive blog?!

But most likely:
Seriousy, who is this? And why is this showing up in my Reader?

It was private, but there were no secrets. Because I didn't post anything.

So, the reason I've brought you all here... ta da! Come on over friends and friendly faces. It's nothing fancy (what's more fancy than flan?) - just the same old nonsense... I've won you over, haven't I? But hey! This time it's New York nonsense because I've moved! (To NEW YORK!) Basically, Disney's new show Jessie was based on my life. I've never seen it, but I hear the main character has recently moved to NYC?

Haphazardly,

me

TWWOHP

2010-12-16T04:23:00.013-07:00

I easily had 18 things I was supposed to get done tonight... so instead I made this video. I had a bunch of clips from TWWOHP and I thought it would be fun to put them together.

While I've got you all harryfied...

On November 19th this happened.

Yup.

Do you think there's a HarryPotterAllStarOverZealousFanOfTheYear award? And where can I claim my prize?

and the text of the week goes to...

2010-12-02T13:06:00.001-07:00

every month should be November

2010-11-04T02:19:00.004-06:00

November is a special month for me. Forget about the fact that it's November 4th and I've only just remembered that November is a month of tiny miracles! I've already missed out on 3 days, so the remaining 27 had better be EXTRA magical.

I refuse to let this superstitious tradition die. Let's get magical people.

Today I ate fat sticks. NOVEMBER-DAY MIRACLE!

I also bought my tickets for HP! If you don't think that's magical something is seriously wrong with you.

My cousin saw one of the Sister Wives at Wal-mart yesterday... which doesn't really count as a November-day miracle at all.

But you get the idea. Let the miracles begin... (today!)

It's true. Harry Potter World from me to you.

2010-10-21T02:30:00.021-06:00

Hey. So, I'm alive. And before I talk about Miley Cyrus, the embarrassing things I do, or any of the other usual topics found here at the Flan, I need to tell you about Potter World (also known as The Wizarding World of Harry Potter). Are you ready? Are you sure?

I'm a bit conflicted because on one hand I want to share everything, for those friends who might never make it to Potter World (in this life). On the other hand, some of you will make it, and I fear that I could say too much... I want you to have your own Potter experience. However, as an experienced guest of the land Potter I will be providing you with some very useful information, which may be boring for those of you not planning a trip in the next decade... whichever side you find yourself on weigh the pros and cons and choose wisely.

Okay, here we go.

From my 2-day experience I learned that if you want any chance of going on The Forbidden Journey ride (the one inside the castle) without waiting in a 110 minute line first, you must go first thing. As in, right when the park opens. As in, at 8:30 a.m. grown adults were running to the entrance of Hogsmeade. A few reviews I read beforehand said to wait until the second half of the day to even enter the Potter themed section of Islands of Adventure, but helllooooo... not gonna happen. Besides, I was there most hours of each day and let me tell you - the line only gets worse. Way worse. First thing in the morning we walked right on in about 15 minutes.

No bags are allowed on this ride, so once people start showing up you will wait in line just for a locker for somewhere between 30 and 60 minutes (before even getting in line for the ride). The sad thing is, most people are so confused they don't know that's what they're waiting for. A ~~friendly~~ sneaky piece of advice: If there's a line for the lockers, go in the "exit" of the ride, which is also a store inside the castle called "Filch's Emporium", which connects to the lockers... catch my drift? Or, you could store your bags in the lockers for Dragon Challenge. For some reason (the layout maybe?) a line never forms there. Tricky Ricky, that's what they call me.

Another option? Wear cargo pants. I never knew one woman could fit a camera, water bottle, medication, snacks, money, and who knows what else into a single pair of cargo pants until my mother showed us it was possible. Me? I took the sneaky locker route.

THIS RIDE WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE. I had no idea what to expect. I've been on every sort of theme park attraction. At first I thought maybe this would be somewhat like Disney's "Soaring Over California", but I secretly hoped that it would be better. And it was. So much better. You're on a moving track, like a roller coaster, but you're moving sideways and you go forwards and backwards and this way and that. There's dragons, and then there's Harry Potter, flying in front of you on a type of screen that you can't tell where it begins and where it ends, but then you're moving as well, and you're not always watching recorded action because sometimes a dragon is there. Like, actually there in front of you, and then you're inside a castle with tangible walls and beams, a whomping willow is trying to whomp you, and everything that has ever gone wrong to Harry Potter goes wrong to you in a matter of 3 minutes and for a split second part of you way deep deep down shouts I'M A WIZARD! THIS IS REAL.

But it ends, and any hope you had of actually being a wizard ends with it. This might be a bold statement, but for me that ride brought me closer to actually experiencing Potter's world then Potter World itself.

Moving right along. Did I mention there's an unhealthy amount of people there?

"Geepers Taren, that's a lot of people."

I know.

My biggest pet peeve was hearing things like:

"What's a... a Hippogriff?"

"Who is Olivander?"

"Why are people waiting in line for this Olivander place?"

GET OUT OF MY POTTER WORLD! You're taking up space!! That's what I wished I could have yelled at strangers after joining their not-so-private conversations to tell them to get the hell out. But in all honesty, you have no business being there if you don't know the difference between a Muggle and a Mudblood. LEAVE. Go read a book for crying out loud.

There should be a quiz required for entry. It would be like an exclusive club whose members are very... exclusive... but that's probably not the Gryffindor thing to do.

Olivander's wand shop was definitely an experience to remember. Any way you cut it you will be in line for about an hour. They only let 20 or so people in at once, and Olivander picks one person to talk to. As if they were Harry Potter himself. Olivander picked my 10-year old sister, so it made it all the more magical. He had her test a few wands, and things would happen with each one. Magical things. And then, when she held the "right" wand, this happened:

One word: magical. I almost cried... you had to be there.

Inside Hogwarts 101. You will go through the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom and Dumbledore's office, past the sorting hat and a variety of other things, all while waiting in line for The Forbidden Journey. The only problem is that even when the line is on the longer side, you get pushed through these parts pretty fast by people behind you. I did not have enough time to adequately enjoy my castle experience, so I asked one of the employees about the "castle only tour" (I read about it somewhere.) They don't advertise this anywhere that I saw, so you will have to ask someone. Basically, it takes you through a different part of the castle at first, then you meet up with the line, but you are in a separate line where you can gaze and admire all the day long. Three hours if you wanted to. I was very impressed with Dumbledore's office and the classroom. They have holograms (Is that what they're calling it these days?) of Harry, Ron, and Hermione in the classroom. Like I said, as close to them actually being there as it gets.

It looks tacky and really fake in the pictures I took, but when you're there it's nothing short of impressive. The lighting goes all weird in a photograph. They explain that Hermoine is going to use a spell to make your seats fly (referring to the ride) and that Harry is going to take you on a tour of the Hogwarts grounds. Of course, Ron and Hermoine have a little argument and Ron accidentally makes it snow in the classroom, which also looked so real! This is a perfect example of something you could miss if you don't do the "castle only tour" because they have about 5 minutes of dialogue all together, and the line will not be in the room for that long.

Same goes for Dumbledore's office. Very impressive. I sure do love that Dumbledore.

I felt let down by the shops. Fred and George's joke shop specifically. It just could have been so much better. And holy bludgers, those shops are SMALL. They get too full a lot, and then they you have to wait in line outside because only a certain amount of people can literally fit inside those tiny shops. I'm not sure what J.K. Rowling was going for with this one. It's like she wanted them to be the actually size they actually would be if theses shops actually existed. Newsflash: this is a theme park and us theme park people like to buy things without being accidentally groped every 5 seconds... or maybe that's just me. Have you seen theme park people these days?

So yeah, I realize that the joke shop can't sell actual magical things, so that puts them in a bit of a pickle... instead they settled for things you would find in a muggle joke shop (like whoopee cushions and walking teeth). There was the occasional "fake" magical item, which I would have preferred they had more of.

"The Constipation Sensation"

The rest of the gift shops sold regular gift shop things like t-shirts, stuffed animals, and key chains. I think they missed out on a huge opportunity here. I mean, hellooo, people like me would buy a time turner necklace, Luna Lovegood radish earrings, or a number of other things. Most of the store windows along Hogsmeade street were for window gazing only. They were not actual stores. There was authentic things inside, but I guess they figured people wouldn't buy that kind of stuff. It's a shame really, because this girl would buy Gilderoy Lockhart's autobiography "Magically Me". For the cover alone. I would frame it. Man, I just get dorkier with every sentence.

I was even disappointed with the wands and the brooms. All plastic crap. Is it really that hard to make a wand out of wood? They can make me believe that I am actually flying with Harry Potter himself, but they can't produce a wooden stick? I don't pay $30 for a plastic stick. I do pay $5 for a jar of U-No-Poo, but that's beside the point.

You might think I'm a huge nerd, but you should know that there were 2 handfuls of people there wearing full robes and scarves! It was 90 degrees. That's real hot weather for a robe, folks. Even Harry Potter fandom has limits, and they were crossing it. (Should I not admit that when people were asking to take pictures with them I was a wee bit jealous?)

One of my favorite parts of Potter World was all the Europeans! Seriously, a lot of people came a long way to indulge in all things Harry. This means that I got to listen to a wide variety of European accents during my 2-day stay. Come one come all, I was sooo happy they were there. I got to hear conversations like this while waiting to get inside Honeydukes:

"Grandmama, what if they're all out of chocolate frogs?"

"Oh dear, I'm quite sure they have plenty of chocolate frogs."

Add an English accent to that and it's FREAKING ADORABLE. (Did I leave you craving an English accent? Watch this.)

This concludes my essay on why Twilight will never compare to the world that is J.K. Rowling's creation, and why you people should just give it up already.

Oh, but wait! How could I not mention butterbeer?!

It tastes exactly how you'd think it would. The end. I could tell you it tasted like feet and you'd still buy it because how could you go to Potter World and not drink butterbeer? Blasphemy.

So much more could be said, but I think for the sake of everyone's attention span I should stop. I created a photobucket album just for some of my pics! Yay! Check it outttt.

Right here.

There ya go.

Slideshow.

my grandpa invented the pooper scooper

2010-10-03T02:14:00.011-06:00

I am not morally opposed to ~~forcing~~ persuading certain 13-year old brothers to click "follow". It's not about numbers, it's just that those numbers have been in the 190's for months and it was a cause of great anxiety. I like a nice even 200. I can die happy. Phew. I love you. Let's not get sappy.

(Rhyming is cool.)

1. You'll love this.

2. Bliss = Two weeks in Orlando. Yes, I know it's slightly ridiculous, but that's just how my family rolls. We don't take Disney World lightly. You know what else I don't take lightly? HARRY FREAKING POTTER! (Info-packed Potterland post in your near/distant future.)

But before I go:

My sister's report on the Scarlet frog. She told me that the Scarlet frog is found in Venezuela (true), that it is thought to be extinct (also true), and that it has two heads (depicted in this detailed drawing).

Hmm....

Naturally, I asked to see the original picture of the elusive two-headed Scarlet frog.

Oh, to be 10 again.

I Think I Can't.

2010-09-21T22:43:00.003-06:00

I saw this picture on Lauren Conrad's twitter (shut up), and thought I think I could do that... I can do that and I WILL!

FAIL.

The Little Engine That Could has given me false hope for the last time!

17 again

2010-09-20T03:30:00.007-06:00

I don't usually get too personal on my blog, but for some reason I feel the need to post some pictures of my room. Now, as exciting as that sounds, you should know that these pictures are 8 years old. That's right, my high school self's bedroom. You're giddy with excitement, I just know it. I'm glad I thought to take these pictures back then. I think they say a lot about the person I was... or maybe they don't. I'm leaning towards don't, but whatever.

Ah, it appears that (as far as messiness is concerned) not much has changed. There are a few things I'd like to point out. One That couch is bomb.com Two I only had 3 purses? Probably 3 more buried underneath all those clothes, but still... Three Why yes, that is a framed photograph of Jenn and I. And yes, we did have it done at Target. And no, it was not really a joke. It's a wonder we had friends. Four Power Ranger sheets? I was a really neat person at 17. Five What's on my window sill you ask? Remember when Burger King had Backstreet Boy action figures in each kids meal? Yep, collected all five and haven't been back since. Six I like to think that even at the tender age of 17 I saw the humor in this... seeing as how I chose to not clean things up before I snapped this picture.

What did I love more: Shane West or puppies? It's hard to say. All I know is this: It is not fair that a 17 year-old can get away puppies and half-naked men on their wall, but a 25 year-old can not. I wish I were 17 again.

I was a pretty big fan of Britney in high school, but you wouldn't know it by looking at these pictures. I had a poster and a 12-month calender until my mom broke into my room one day and tore them to shreds while I cried in the corner. Apparently she didn't think Britney was "modest" or "someone to look up to"... and she might have been onto something. What did I know? I just listened to Oops I Did it Again and thought her dance moves were cool in those Pepsi commercials... those are cool moves. Man, that takes me back. I wish Britney were 17 again.

I miss her!

ride a horse - check

2010-09-09T14:18:00.003-06:00

I'm turning 25 tomorrow and I'm about to be held accountable for that list I made awhile back. Some things are still a work in progress. The whole "get up at 9" thing was a giant FAIL. There are a handful of days this summer when I was still awake at 9 a.m... as in hadn't slept yet... we're just going to leave it at that. Anyway, I came here today to tell you that I RODE A HORSE! Thanks to my beautifully amazing friend Andrea (and her wonderful sister-in-law Mel) that dream was realized. Can you believe I had never been on a horse before? Believe it.

It was everything I dreamed and more. And I wasn't even sore. Roar.

You know what would be neat? 200 followers for my birthday... make it happen people!

Birthday List

2010-09-07T02:36:00.009-06:00

Hi friends, a.k.a. those who know me personally. You've probably been wondering what you should get me for my birthday. Look no further.

1. This fridge. So what if I don't have a kitchen? Get outta town, this is my birthday list! I don't even need to plug it in. I just want to stare at it between the hours of 6 and 7 p.m... maybe I'll put some books inside?

You know what? I changed my mind. I'm adding 2. This kitchen to my list. Plucked out of wherever it is in that picture and placed on my parents' front lawn...

3. A house for that new kitchen? Maybe this one?

4. Ryan Stiles circa 1998. Shut up. It might get lonely in my new house. Ryan will make me laugh. Plus, he is the type of guy who would approve of that fridge... probably even buy me a matching stove for Christmas.

5. Pumpkin shaped peanut butter cups.

Speaking of birthdays, Happy Birthday Veronica! Today. 25. I'll be joining you shortly. Want to live with Ryan and I in that super cute house? I just decided that it's in Boston. Oh, and we're neighbors with John Stamos!

It's my birthday and I'll be delusional if I want to.

Current state of...

2010-08-27T01:56:00.009-06:00

I haven't even started Mockingjay yet. I'm such an idiot. No really, I am. I searched high and low because I just HAD to have it yesterday. I carried it around in my purse throughout 4 classes today. I haven't even opened it to smell the fresh new book scent. (I'd like to see your kindle do THAT!) I just finished doing some stuff for work, and now what am I doing? Blogging. Well, blogging and half-way watching Whose Line Is It Anyway. I heart Colin. ANYWAY, I've had a lot of thoughts floating around in my head today. I think I've written like 5 full posts up there. (Up there being my inside my head.)

I'm really not feeling my last year as an Anthropology major. I LOVED 90% of my Anth classes for the past 2 years or so. I haven't been looking forward to this particular year/semester for awhile. To put it simply, it's upper-level crap. History of Anthropological Thought... Do I have to? Andean Religion... I'm just not feeling it right now. I ended up picking my major because I enjoyed the Psych/Sociology/Anthroplogy classes more than anything else. Plus, I was sick of being UNDECIDED. Do I have any idea what I'm going to do with my major? (What does that mean anyway?) No. I'm going to be sitting pretty with a Bachelor's degree, that's what. Which, these days, is about as useful as sitting on a duck. (It's okay, I don't know what that means either.) I do know that all those "career tests" pointed me in the direction of the Behavioral Sciences, so I went with it. All along thinking "Well yeah, but what I'm I going to dooo?"

I've learned something about myself. Something I knew already, but probably should have applied to my education years ago. Something that no career test ever thought to tell me. I am happiest when I'm creating something. Anything. So shouldn't my goal be to make a career out of that? I need to have a finished product. I don't enjoy spending 3 hours on an equation, only to end up solving an equation. I need tangible. I need to be able to say "Look, I did this!" Writing. Decorating. Taking pictures. Heck, even hair school! I guess I could move to a remote African village, stay for 10 years, and then write a book about my new found theories... my education wasn't a waste after all!

Tangent. Sorry. I'm going to finish my Anthropology degree. I am. I'm just going to have to create on the side! That means more writing -- actually taking it seriously and pushing myself to be good. It's part of the reason this blog has been suffering lately. (Oxymoron? Don't kid. I never actually wrote anything here.) I'm reading all my favorite non-fiction authors. I can't get enough. I'm constantly jotting down thoughts -- writing a paragraph here and a paragraph there. I'm piecing things together little by little. I'm trying to write more, and it's taking away from writing here... if that makes any sense. I'm trying to move on from 4-line humorous blog posts, you see.

So that's that.

I was going to write a paragraph or two about how I'm pretty selective with my Facebook friends. (I have a point.) I don't want to be friends with the guy who sits next to me for an hour every other day, or that one girl I knew for a weekend and pray I never have to know again. If we were acquaintances for five years, but haven't spoken for 6... sorry, I've moved on. I don't want to filter what I say on Facebook. If I want to talk about explosive Diarrhea and my unhealthy obsession for Daniel Radcliffe I shouldn't have to answer to what's his name in class the next day. What's weird is that I'm sure I don't know 50% of the people who read my blog, and yet I'd talk about explosive Diarrhea every day if I could. Here. To complete strangers. And probably a few girls from High School who would be embarrassed to follow me publicly. (Hi.)

I would most likely not post this picture on Facebook. What if a friend of a friend had hair like that? What if someone actually knew this girl personally? I would have to answer for that.

(Bleached on the top half and black on the bottom.)

I've come to my blog to tell you that if you are still doing your hair like this (I'll forgive you for getting caught up in the madness of it 5 YEARS AGO) I will find out where you live, pay you a visit in the night, and shave. your. head. bald. You don't deserve to have hair. I will leave a cute turban on your pillow, but it might clash with your 4 inch white rubber PLATFORM FLIP FLOPS.

This is my blog. Read it if you'd like, but I can't be held accountable here. Welcome to the Interweb, baby.

So yeah, I was going to say a paragraph or two about that... but I think I'll save it for another day.

And I won't be blogging as much anymore. But stick around because I will still post Harry Potter cast updates, and an occasional limerick.

Win-win.

fashion icon

2010-08-24T00:55:00.001-06:00

My favorite part of living in a foreign country is that social norms don't apply to you. The Chinese might not laugh (or make any kind of verbal noise) in public, but you're not Chinese, are you?! You can laugh until you pee your pants on the street, and what are they going to do about it? Nothing! At first, you try and stick to the behavioral expectations of home. Eventually you take on some of the social norms of your new surroundings, but mostly you end up creating your own little culture within a culture, with it's own rules and peculiar habits. You become an embarrassment. In the culture I create for myself things like showering, personal boundaries, counting calories, and not making a fool of yourself on public transit go out the window.

The most obvious change comes in the form of dress. It gets to the point where you stop caring and start dressing based solely on comfort and convenience.

Case in point:

I came home from China looking like this...

I came home from Maine looking like this...

(And yes, in case you were wondering, summer camp on the East Coast does qualify as it's own country.)

You don't even want to know what Russia did to me. The hideousness of it all is too great to be blogged. All you need to know is that it involved these boots...

If I ever permanently leave the country I will most likely progress to a scary level of just. plain. weird. If it progresses too far I won't fit in anywhere. Don't get me wrong though, my culture is pretty rad. If I ruled the world we'd all get dressed in the dark, take a 4 hour nap every day, and live on a diet of Oreos and sour cream. Yum!

I can't decide if this post makes any sense. It's just one of those days. It makes sense in my head, and that counts for something. I think.

2010-08-22T00:51:00.004-06:00

So, here's something I saw today. I can't look at it without chuckling.

*chuck*chuck*chuck*

Imagine how many good thought bubbles we could come up with for this...

I could not handle fame for 2 reasons. People send you things like THIS in the mail, and well... you know, whatever is going on in this picture... I couldn't handle that.

Contest time? I've never done it before, but it sounds like a good idea. Come up with the best thought bubbles for this and I'll post it on my blog... yeah, you're welcome. Okay fine, I'll say something really cool about you... and I'll give you a cookie?

If no one participates I'll get my Grandma to do it. She's really good at thought bubbles.

duvet dismay a.k.a. the shimmer dimmer

2010-08-13T04:46:00.007-06:00

I took a trip to IKEA today. You know, I really love IKEA. I even applied to work at IKEA. If I have to work part-time this fall I might as well do it at a place with a cool name like IKEA, or Costco. I've been reading the catalog that came last week from cover to cover, coveting every page. It's not a bad gig here, in the corner bedroom of my parents house, but there's only so much I can do with a bed, 10 square feet of carpet, and mother who refuses to paint the walls anything other than drab. I haven't checked, but I'm ~~pretty~~ sure the can is actually labeled dismal drab. We don't see eye to eye when it comes to walls, or anything that gets put inside a house. When I mentioned that IKEA was hiring she eyed the catalog in my hands and said, "I wouldn't put any of that in my house if you paid me!". It didn't really have anything to do with my lack of employment, but she got her point across. Then today my sister brought home a $5 cupcake print apron and my mom decided she might like IKEA after all. In 10 seconds she thought of 10 uses she has for a $5 cupcake apron.

"Only five dollars?!"

(How many times do you think I can type "IKEA" before it just gets weird?)

I was in search of a duvet cover. I needed a new one, and I had to get my IKEA fix somehow. Picking anything out at IKEA is not an easy task. There's so many choices and bins and... choices. In the end it came down to the $10 kind of cute one and the $30 perfect one. It was white with a faded floral print and slight shimmer. As in, the cover itself just sort of shimmers. Who says no to a slight shimmer? Not this girl, that's for sure!

Getting a duvet inside a cover is another not-so-easy task. By the end I had worked up a sweat. A shimmery sweat. As I poured a Pomegranate flavored Crystal Light packet into my water bottle I turned to admire the shimmer once more. This story is starting to get very predictable. The next few seconds seemed to play out in slow motion as I shook my wrist and the lid popped off spraying blood red juice EVERYWHERE. I was in such shock that I didn't even think to take a picture before I removed the cover and ran to the laundry room. I worked my way from one corner to the next, scrubbing each splat of red. An hour later I put it in the wash. An hour after that I took it out, and found 3 yellow spots from the red spots I had missed. Three horribly boring scrubbing stories later... my duvet cover is currently in the dryer. I'm hoping for a full recovery, but I know this is only wishful thinking.

Stupid shimmery white more expensive duvet cover that looked like something a European Princess would cover her duvet with. I should have gone with blue. Who did I think I was? A European Princess? ALWAYS CHOOSE THE BLUE!!

People can do crazy things with makeup, and today's technology is pretty swell...

2010-08-12T01:04:00.002-06:00

But I will NEVER understand how this

becomes this

One of the world's greatest mysteries, I suppose.

(Just to be clear, if he grew hair to his knees and lost both his arms in a freak accident I would still love him. But that doesn't mean I can't be altogether baffled.)

Loser.

2010-08-10T04:03:00.001-06:00

Being able to publicly ridicule people I don't know is my favorite part of having a blog. Yeah, I said it. I'm also going to do it. Right now. This guy replied to my ad for a 3rd roommate. I have yet to respond because apart from a hearty "LOL!" I have no idea where to even begin.

The only thing is... I'm just a little nervous about this:

IMPORTANT: The sender intends that this electronic message is for      exclusive use by the person to whom it is addressed. This message      may contain information that is confidential or privileged and      exempt from disclosure under applicable law. If the reader of this      message is not an intended recipient, be aware that any      disclosure, dissemination, distribution or copying of this      communication, or the use of its contents, is prohibited. If you      have received this message in error, please immediately notify the      sender of your inadvertent receipt and delete this message from      all data storage systems. Thank you.  

We're going to play a little game of mad gab. I'm going to change things up a bit, but you should be able to get the general idea.

My name is (Loser),

I'm a poser (don't know if that matters to you), an RM, and rock solid in my belief. I'm currently actually TRYING to find a place to stare creepily at girls/women simply because I feel like I need to know more about women. Don't take that the wrong way - I'm fine on my feet with dating and all that... but honestly... I want the challenge of living with three girls, to study what they think, etc. etc. etc. because I want to be a good creepster later on down the road and sometimes women are rather... mesmerizing. I also want the challenge of how apparently tempting it would be - and to be able to say I came out defiled. Maybe I'm arrogant/proud about my ability and strength but I'd still like the chance to see a girl naked.

........................(awkward silence)........................

Oh, but it didn't end there. He went on to tell me all about the business he started all by his lonesome. Then he linked me to his facebook page and said he'd like to talk about his request some more.

Eeeeeee.... no thanks.

Anyway, that's the end of that story. I hope you found that somewhat entertaining, seeing as I could be facing JAIL TIME for being a disseminator!

IMPORTANT: The blogger of this blog intends that this message is for the sole use of public ridicule. The message may contain information that is entertaining to blog readers. It is my duty to therefore copy and paste said message, or be held accountable under applicable law. You're welcome.

because because because. because of the wonderful things he does.

2010-08-09T04:29:00.002-06:00

It's photos like this that make me wish I were a photographer. A well known photographer. A well known photographer photographing Zac Efron. Photographing Zac Efron in such an artistic manner as this. Being artistic in the presence of Zac Efron. Do you think the photographer told him to look confused here? Or dangerous? Hey, remember that one time I stood next to Zac Efron? That was funny. He's pretty.

keep it wonky

2010-08-06T04:13:00.008-06:00

Anthropologie's wallpaper inspires me. Oh, how I wish I had a place of my own. Then I could plaster this and this and that wherever I pleased.

A girl can dream. While I'm at it, I'm just going to go ahead and say that I find everything at Anthropologie inspiring. I'd never set foot in another store again if I could ever in a million years afford not to. Sigh. That wallpaper sure is pretty though, eh?

Onto something a little more practical... tissue paper pom pom balls! I WILL find a way to hang these in my room and it WILL look fabulous.

THIS WEDDING inspires me. I just love it so much, even though I am a firm believer that heels should be worn on your wedding day. At least something you wouldn't wear to the beach or a basketball game. Is that too much to ask, girls?

THIS ROOM. It's just so fresh and bright and... clean? I love the mismatchedness of it... yes, mismatchedness. And yet, it does match. Genius. Just look at that couch! Yum.

While I've got you thinking about living rooms, I'd love to incorporate this into mine someday:

I love moving to a new place because it gets me all excited to decorate again! I really want to get creative this time around (with my limited funds), and show the people (you?) what I can do! Speaking of limited funds and couches I can't afford, I have my eye on this little beauty:

Oh, come on. Give it a chance! (Jenn) In the right room this could be spectacular. With this rug, maybe some big blue or yellow pillows, just the right coffee table, and (if I were feeling gutsy) these curtains...

(both from IKEA)

Just a thought.

Oh, and I have one more thing.

That makes me smile. I want to hang it on my wall right this instant! Let's all get one!

2010-07-21T04:32:00.005-06:00

Hi, friends.

Somehow my iPhone is to blame for the fact that my flan is being seriously neglected. Let's talk about that for a minute. I love the iPhone more then any person should love a tangible object. I love it so much that if we ever have to part I don't know what I'll do... but I can tell you right now that I will probably die.

If there is one area where the iPhone lacks, it's that lame excuse for a keyboard. How am I supposed to write and drive with that thing?! Not that I would ever write and drive... not now, anyway. Literally im.poss.ible. You know what else would be impossible? Writing an entire blog post. Which brings me to my final point: I hardly ever use my computer these days.

I lied. I do use my computer to watch 4.5 season of The Hills. I also use it to get a better look at things on ebay, take pictures on photoshop to see how I like my make-up, and occasionally sync my iPhone. But blogging? Out of the question. As you can see, I already spend way too much time away from my iPhone as it is.

Over the course of the last 3 paragraphs I have convinced myself that my iPhone is entirely to blame for... well, everything. How about I share some phone photos? Will that make this post worth reading? At all? Maybe just a little?

This is exactly what it looks like. Big girl feet and little girl feet.

I don't know why.

This is my boyfriend. He also happens to be 13 years-old, and my brother.

Who am I to question fate?

I call this "View From the Car."

I call this one "Even Better View From the Car."

Mothers don't understand the joy of iPhones.

This is what happens when your Mom is sick, but insists on baking your Dad a birthday cake anyway.

And hey, here's a HAWT photo booth picture showcasing some HOTT makeup skills.

We've missed you.

And by we I mean me.

Talking about myself in plurals would just be weird.

I think I'm back to blogging for good...

all of us.

As soon as I finish that last season of The Hills.

2010-06-15T00:54:00.002-06:00

My Dear Flan,

We have our ups and downs. Every healthy relationship does. I'm sorry if you feel neglected, but it's for the best. I'll be back soon. Yes, I know that the header needs fixing. I'll get to it... eventually. I like to think words carry some weight around here, and maybe people will stick with you even when you're looking rather homely. My Grandma told me Justin Timberlake was homely once. Can you believe that?! But hey, blogger finally has new templates! That should make things better around here for awhile. Anyway, once I finish these papers for my non-fiction class maybe I'll be back to posting non-fiction baloney here.

I love you.

p.s. FLAN CAN!

problem.

2010-06-09T23:12:00.004-06:00

things i love love love.

2010-06-08T02:36:00.007-06:00

You're going to love me for telling you about the things I love.

#1 Picture Hanging Strips by Command

Love love love love love. I don't care who you are, where you're from, what you did... you need these. If you have not yet discovered the joy of a picture hanging strip I am deeply saddened for you, and for the unnecessary holes that now populate your walls. Seriously kids, these things hold practically anything. Example: I bought a set of six 12 x 12 beveled mirrors, which are now on my wall, being held by one picture hanging strip each. One! These things are like velcro on steroids! And yet, with a little tug, you can take them right off. The part that sticks to the wall pulls off quite nicely once you're done, and doesn't remove paint or leave any sort of mark. I am a huge huge supporter of the picture hanging strip. Everything on my walls right now is being held by a picture hanging strip. Love love LOVE! They are 10x better than the Command Hooks (which I also love). Don't even get me started on the hooks. If you don't know about those by now... seriously, where have you been? Welcome to America, 2010.

#2 Peaches & Creme Ultra Moisturizer by Kiss My Face

If I could eat it, I would. At first it's weird because it goes on really thick and white, and for about 10.5 seconds you feel like you're applying a thick coat of sun screen. But then it absorbs clear, and you are left soft and smelling like a peach Goddess. I got this stuff at Wal-mart.

#3 This video.

Doesn't really get good until :53, but if you've ever been to a nail salon (or if you've ever wondered what it might be like to go to a nail salon) you need to watch this. It's just so so true. I think I've had this exact conversation 3 times.

Basically, I just really wanted to tell you about the picture hanging strips. If I could have 10 adds for picture hanging strips on my side bar, I would. What sort of blog do you think would attract the marketing department at Command? Decorating, perhaps? I decorate things. Maybe I'll throw out a decorating related word here and there. I want those picture hanging people to find me. I want to have their babies. Figuratively, as well as literally.

Yummmmmm

2010-06-04T00:13:00.006-06:00

Oldest Child Syndrome. It's real. As the oldest of 6, I suffer from many of the symptoms. There's one that most people are unaware of -- a love for Gerber baby food. I can't be sure, but I've taken a few Psych classes in my day and I think it stems from the 9 years I spent feeding infants. You can't expect a child to feed another child and not at least try a spoonful or two... or three. I may or may not have eaten more baby food during those years then any infant ever did. I still remember sneaking them from the cupboard. My mother would think she had 9 jars, only to discover she had none.

I love Hawaiian Delight. I love Fruit Medley. There's a lot of them I love, all with creative names. And yes, occasionally I will take an innocent stroll down the baby food aisle and toss a few of my favorite flavors into the cart. I even love that rice cereal crap. How messed up is that? Whatever. Get over it. The label says "Your child may be ready to use this product if he or she: Crawls with stomach on the floor, may pull self up to stand, begins to self-feed with fingers, or begins to use jaw to mash food." I can do all those things.

sharing time

2010-05-31T12:34:00.002-06:00

So much could be said (such a small bow on such a huge head), but I'm just going to leave you with this:

OSH KOSH B' GOSH!!!

NEW MUSIC MAY 28TH. IN CAPS!

2010-05-28T00:44:00.006-06:00

Moving sucks.

Moving back into your parents house sucks even more.

I have a basement full of who knows what. Everything has it's place, and now I have to pack it all into an automobile, drive 20 minutes, carry everything up a flight of stairs one by one, then somehow fit it all into a single bedroom.

Bothersome.

The one room situation at the parentals is only temporary, which adds a whole other level of suck. In two months I'll be carrying it all back down the stairs.

So I guess what I'm saying is this would just suck a whole lot less if there were no stairs involved... yup.

I'm over it. I have some music to recommend! I could call it "New Music Friday", but that makes it sound more like a tradition -- or something that is going to happen every Friday. As far as this blog is concerned I don't follow through with anything, so I'm going to call it "New Music May 28th!" (Hey! It's Jessica's Birthday! Happy Birthday buddy.) You better not come around here next year expecting new music. It ain't gonna happen!

I discovered her Myspace (Taren, what on earth were you doing on Myspace? Yeah... I don't know. Stranger things have happened.) by some random happenstance. She is Katie Carlene, and you should check her out. Do you want me to give you a reason? Reason #1 - I like her. Reason #2 - that's really the only reason. My favorite songs are "Sound", "Uh Oh", and "I Am". I also like "After All". You can find her on iTunes.

I think you trust me $4 worth, don't you?

Plus, she told me she appreciates it because she's poor. That was after I left an "enthusiastic" message on her wall. What can I say? Once you've got me you've got me. I'm a fiercely loyal fan. NOW BUY HER MUSIC OR SO HELP ME. The poor girls needs your $4 to buy a coffee.

awkward moments

2010-05-13T18:32:00.007-06:00

Almost Awkward Moment:

A few weeks ago I found a cute shirt at Target. It was a lucky find too, because it was misplaced and happened to be the only one of it's kind on the rack. It's like this sheer wrap... thing. Very sheek.

Two days ago I was in Target passing through the intimates section. I saw my top on display with 10 other tops just like it. Turns out my "sheer wrap thing" is sheer for other reasons, besides being trendy. It is classified as a "robe", according to the tag.

I couldn't understand how this would work as intimate apparel, so I did some light investigating on Target.com -- It has nine 5-star ratings, one from a woman who said, "I'm wearing it right now!" So unless intimacy was abruptly halted for the sake of writing a 5-star review online... nope, wait -- she says she's wearing it with a "tank underneath and black cropped pants." It IS a shirt after all. Looks like the juvenile delinquents working at Target need a lesson in what goes in the intimates section, and what doesn't. Otherwise, they're not going to be selling much more of this particular product. I don't know, I just can't imagine anyone wearing this on their wedding night:

Actual Awkward Moment:

About 2 hours ago I was video chatting with Katelin, when I heard a mysterious meow. I thought it would go away, until it didn't. I opened my basement door to find a orange cat. Meowing. At my door. I've seen this cat out on the street before, but never at my back door. I slammed the door in its face and went back to my web chat. Five minutes later I heard scratching. The cat was now attempting to scratch down my door, all the while meowing in a disconcerting manner.

This time I took my web cam with me. I opened the door so Katelin could see, and yelled in a very dramatic fashion, "What do you want from me?!" ... "Katelin, look! There are scratch marks on the door! Visible marks! Tell this cat to go away!".... "I don't understand what you want from me, Cat!!!!"

And then someone else joined the conversation. "I could help you with that if you want." My landlord and his wife were standing on their back patio, most likely wondering why they let a crazy person live in their basement.

"I, uh... this Cat is scratching on the door."

I went back inside, and haven't heard from Orange Cat since. I think they got rid of him, in case I decided to make another scene. Children live here. Children.

Actual Awkward Moment #2

Early today I had this thought: "Man, disconcerning is like my word of the week or something. I say it like 5 times a day!" Five minutes ago I realized that disconcerning is not actually a word. Disconcerting is a word, however. A word that I don't think I've ever used. Not once. Until I used it in this post, and now I'm not even sure if I used it correctly. Discoveries like this make me question everything.

s'not funny guys.

2010-05-05T22:49:00.004-06:00

Ahh, the first signs of summer. It's about this time of year my allergies start to flair up. They get progressively worse each year. But no matter the level of severity, snot is always involved. Loads of snot.

Today when I woke up I thought, "It finally smells like summer." The day progressed, and the smell of summer continue to lift my spirits. About 3 hours ago I realized it was the smell of snot. The smell of snot, which in my mind has always been linked to the beginnings of summer.

Maybe I'm smelling whatever is in the air that causes my snot. Does anyone else smell summer today?... anyone? Yeah, I'm pretty sure I'm smelling snot. Does snot have a smell?

I'm convinced I produce 10x more snot than the average person, which has left me with a lot of funny (or not so funny) stories involving snot. I could share some of them with you, but 10 is the maximum amount of times I'm allowed to say "snot" in the same post. 9 down, 1 to go.

I had to browse through a whole lot of ugly in an effort to find a mucus related picture to accompany this post. You're welcome, and fyi - stranger snot is soooo gross.

I decided on this G-rated pic: (also gross)

I don't even want to know HOW that works... and yet, part of me is wishing I had one right about now.

And so it continues.

2010-05-04T18:08:00.002-06:00

Um...

I sort of loved it.

"It's Miley!" I'm scared.

2010-04-30T20:05:00.013-06:00

"Ned... Ned! Look, I'm you're best friend, alright, and I'll always have your back, but there's only so much I can do when you show up in a dress."

-17 Again

That's sort of how I feel when Miley posts videos like this. (You really only need to watch 2.5 seconds to get the gist.)

Miley, Miley, Miley... not helping your reputation of being obnoxious, hun. I work, and I work, and slowly my 20-something-year-old friends start to come around... I have to start from scratch when they see things like this.

Your antics are not the only thing I defend.

If I had a nickel for every time someone told me, "That Miley Cyrus... she's gonna end up just like Britney Spears, bald and alone." Well, let's just say I'd have close to $3.

I usually jump right into singing "She's just being Miley!", then tell them to go jump off a cliff. That's how much I got your back!

The evolution of Britney Spears has not been a pretty one. Let's take a look at some lyrics from way back when, in 2001:

I know I may be young, but I've got feelings too.

And I need to do what I feel like doing.

So let me go, and just listen.

All you people look at me like I'm a little girl.

Well did you ever think it would be okay for me to step into this world?

I'm a slaaaaaave for you.

Alright, I think that's enough for a psych sample. Basically what Britney is trying to say with these inspiring lyrics is: I'm not a girl... not yet a woman. I needs to shed my "good girl" image, and the only way I know how is to act like a complete floozy! I'll show you! I just wanna dance! (to another time and place?)

Or something.

Either way, she sure showed us. And it only went downhill from there.

Your newest single came out this week, entitled "I can't be tamed." I see where this is going. You can't be tamed. You can't be saved. You can't be blamed. Blah blah blah, WE GET IT! Can we get some originality here?! Someone, please! We've heard this story before. Proclaiming that you can't be tamed isn't quite the cry of attention we witnessed with Britney Spears, and you have yet to dance half clothed with live snakes, but I'm still scared.

So very scared.

The music video comes out this week, and word on the street is it involves a bird cage. We all know how you get a little carried away when presented with metal poles. How am I going to explain this? You are by no means widening the gap between you and Ms. Spears, making it harder and harder for me to defend you in my social circles.

I just want to see something different. Don't go down the same ugly path. Take the road less traveled... wise words, from a wise man named Frost. Honestly, if I were in your position (same background, same position, etc.) I'd probably be doing the exact same thing. I'm kind of a music video hussy... and by that I mean I... uh, I become a completely different person in a music video situation? With your kind of resources backing me, there's no telling what would happen! (Random tidbit about me -- I'm pretty well known for my music video making skills. Check it.)

Anyway, what am trying to say is DON'T DO IT! You can be tamed! You can be saved! And... I actually really like the song. (What? It's a catchy tune!)

I've gots yo back girl.

Until you take it too far.

But even then.

Just be careful.

Yours truly,

A concerned - yet fiercely loyal fan.

Someone make sure MC reads this. K? Thanks.

"I'm so excited! I'm so excited! I'm so... scared."

-Saved By the Bell

2010-04-28T12:53:00.007-06:00

Dear ABC,

Let me tell you about my day yesterday. Stressed would be an understatement. I've got a lot on my plate right now, and yet I still managed to peel into the driveway at 7:02. I usually watch LOST on Hulu the next day, but today was different -- a little Desmond and 1 hour of Island mayhem was just what I needed.

Dancing With the Stars took the 7:00 spot tonight. News to me! Personally, I'd like to know who you think you are. Playing with schedules like this. If LOST is on at 7 every other week, it had sure be on at 7 on the week I decide to support you, instead of Hulu.

So, a little set back, but my night was not yet ruined. After what seemed like an abnormally long hour of dancing and stars LOST began, and I started to think that it was all looking a little familiar.... wait a minute? Is this a... a RERUN?! RERUN!!! You add Pop-up "information" bubbles with random trivia and so called "theories" and think that makes it all okay? I DON'T WANT YOUR STUPID BUBBLES. I WANT DESMOND!!!

Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay.

Sincerely,
Taren G.

Singlemess

2010-04-27T01:55:00.019-06:00

No introduction necessary. Nope, I think we're just gonna dive right into this one...

Common Misconceptions About Us Singles
(mostly the Mormon kind)

By Taren and Julianna (Check her out. Cause she's my roommate and she's awesome. And single.) Oh, and the many conversations had with Katelin (Hi Katelin!) concerning the topic of our single mess have been the source of much inspiration... just thought I should throw that out there... um, okay.

1. When we say we're fine -- we're doing great, it's all a clever ruse. In fact, we don't keep knives or other abnormally sharp objects around the house because by the time we get home after a long day we're just so gosh darn lonely and down in the dumps that the temptation to end it all is JUST TOO GREAT!

2. We define ourselves by our relationship status. Quite the contrary. You define us by our relationship status.

3. If we could just become the right person, then we could find the right person. Let's kick that theory in the butt right now, shall we?

4. That anyone with half a brain thinks or acts anything like those DB's over at Mormon Bachelor Pad, or the losers they "date".

5. That we are incapable of progressing past a 17-year old level of spiritually and/or responsibility. Adult supervision is necessary at all times. Even ward activities would take a turn for the worse, and mass pandemonium would ensue if the old marrieds weren't around to mold our feeble young minds. How can a single person possibly be expected to calculate the correct amount of rice krispy treats needed to feed 30 equally troubled youth? In all seriousness, it's like I've been attending an never-ending EFY session... for the past 7 years, and this time there is no guarantee that I will ever be able to get the hell out.

6. That we worry. Without constants reassurance and wise advice from 22 year-old newlyweds we would surely be lost in the valley of the shadow of death, unable to perform our day-to-day activities, always thinking in the back of our minds "WHEN? WHEN?! WORRY!!!" But here's the thing married people of the world: you're still not sure about a lot of things in your life, but you know that everything will work out. That things will work out according to God's timetable. Single people have this same assurance. Genius!

7. We're just so darn sexually frustrated. Grrrrrrr. At any moment we might A@#$@#$!!!!!L;KSJDFAOIEJNFDJ%&%*ADPIUPEWNVPOQWPOI##$##AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

8. I'm approaching 25 and I still enjoy such activities as miniature golf. Bowling. Nicklecade. Laser tag. Classic Skating. Scavenger hunts. Mafia. Disney Scene It? WHEN WILL IT END? I don't know of any married person who enjoys scavenger hunts. Why does my lack of husband make me any different?

9. Both of the single people you know will of course be perfect together, based on their singleness alone. If nothing else, at least they can bond over their love of miniature golfing and their lack of sextivities. As single as your bald and greasy, 36 year-old Dungeon and Dragon's playing co-worker may be, I just don't think he's the right guy for me.

10. That we don't want to get married. If leaders and concerned citizens didn't constantly remind me that I should be married, the thought would leave me and I'd sit alone in my apartment all day, surrounded by empty twinky boxes and Cosmopolitan magazines, glorying in the eternal singlenss of it all and lack of obligations. As much as I do love a good Twinky...

11. That we must be turning down opportunities right and left. That we turn up our nose to every potential suitor. That we don't "try" hard enough. Believe me, I could get married tomorrow if all I wanted was to be married. The bottom line is I don't want to marry just anyone. I want it to happen for me the same way it happened for you. Should I have to "try" to fall in the love with someone because I'm 24 and my biological clock is ticking? The only reason you're married is because you met the person you wanted to marry. It's a simple as that, really. Wouldn't you agree that it might be possible for someone to make it all the way to the rip old age of 27 without that opportunity ever presenting itself? Well? Do you?!

The biggest misconception of them all:

All hope was lost until the Ensign brought me this picture of anxiously engaged young adults from various ethnic backgrounds, who prior to posing for this picture were, no doubt, singing hymns at the local nursing home.

Nothing brings hope like knowing you are counted among the likes of such exemplary individuals.

The End.

(Clever title? Eh? Anyone?... It's like singleness, only singlemess. Bahahahaha. I kill myself.)

popping in to say hello

2010-04-21T19:01:00.001-06:00

Gtalk has a "go invisible" option. Which I am only using because it's my way of forcing myself to remained focused while at the library. Signing out is not an option. That would only require me to sing back in (and/or sign back in) every 30 minutes. I get all messed up crazy when I'm sitting at my computer and there could be an email in my inbox that I don't know about. Heaven forbid.

I had a point.

Every time I glance at "you are invisible" I read "you are invincible". It's doing wonders for my situation. I have a 6 page paper (currently sitting at 1 paragraph) due tomorrow, and about 30 chapters of math to get through by Saturday. I also ate at least 4 bananas worth of banana chips, which are subsequently not doing wonders for my digestive tract. But it's okay because I AM INVINCIBLE!

Bye.

a lame post for a lame monday.

2010-04-19T00:35:00.005-06:00

I forget that I live next door to a GIANT LAKE. Like, every day I forget. Then I look out a 4th floor window and see this:

It startles me every time. Where did all that water come from?!?! What's going on? Where am I?!

Every. Time.

screen capture that!

2010-04-15T14:03:00.002-06:00

The discovery of my screen captioning capabilities has seriously been effecting my productivity...

Why am I so excited about this? Because the possibilities are endless! I can share with you such things as...

(Yes, actually it is common for the roommate to casually mention that I'm not allowed to die because she does not want the responsibility of finding my dead body.)

The possibilities go far beyond the walls of Facebook. I can now screen capture google search suggestions! Something I always envied... until now!

Good days are ahead of us, my friends. Prepare to delve even deeper in the the world of me, as I share with you the screen captures of my life.

(Dear friends: I figured if I was blurring my last name, it was only fair to do the same for you.)

I'm gonna go do something about those taxes now.

Presidential Election Campaign Fund? Taren designates no such thing. There are thousands of homeless dogs in this world for crying out loud!

just some things

2010-04-13T16:05:00.004-06:00

Pete Peeve: When someone posts a picture that they obviously took of themselves and give it some caption like "Larry loves taking pictures of me when I least expect it." or "I was sleeping like a rock!" No one sleeps like that, fool. And we all take pictures of ourselves. No one's going to judge you. Unless you pretend that you didn't take that picture of yourself. Now we're judging you.

Dislike: When someone says, "Oh hey, I saw you on your bike the other day." What is it about someone recognizing you on a your bike? I feel so... exposed. Like I'm on parade or something. The only thing worse is, "Oh hey, I saw you rollerblading the other day."

Like: Listening in on intense discussions about LOST theories. I never join them -- just sit near them.

Health Care: I will be the first to admit that I have never followed politics, and therefore have no opinion whatsoever. I hate when other people who when it really comes down to it don't know all that much, all of the sudden think they know everything. I have a few friends who I know keep up to date ALL THE TIME, and are very passionate about politics as a whole. Not just when something controversial is going on. These people seem to support this health care reform. (not saying they all do) I get intelligent answers from them, and this is what I base my opinion on. If I had an opinion I would be for HCR, but I don't. A friend recently summed up my opinions with this sentence: "the current bill is not perfect, but it's a major step in the right direction." Amen.

Yogurt cups: Sometimes I wonder if the makers of yogurt have ever tried to open a yogurt cup. Say like, Mr. Dannon - do you think he has ever enjoyed a Light & Fit yogurt for lunch while sitting in his office? If so, has it ever crossed his mind that maybe they aren't the easiest things to open? Has it ever crossed his mind that maybe us yogurt lovers don't want to be wearing yogurt? That maybe, just maybe, there has to be a better way?

Fear: That I will somehow, accidently, press some magical "delete" button and my blog will be gone. The past 2 years erased. Just like that. If such a button does exist, I hope you have to accidently click it 3 or 4 times... because that doesn't seem too likely to happen. Or how about I just save my posts elsewhere? I have too much faith in the internet.

Question: Do you ever wonder what your funny story would be if you were a contestant on Jeopardy?... I think I'd tell about the time I had explosive diarrhea in a grocery store parking lot and had to ditch my underpants in a nearby garbage, then spend the rest of the night with holy jeans and a bare butt. That way, even if I didn't win, viewers would still remember me.

My perfect day: Morning on the beach, a few hours walking aimlessly around Target, Dinner at a foreign restaurant where no one speaks English, with a Zac Morris look alike... that's all I've got so far.

Single: I can walk around Target aimlessly for 3 hours, and the only poop I deal with is my own.

Fact: People with British accents are automatically 10x more appealing than people without.

Weird:

dear people of the earth (XIV)

2010-04-09T04:20:00.003-06:00

We need a name for this thing:

Yes, I am aware that it is currently referred to as the "electric mixer". It's logical for something that is electric and mixes things, but I think it deserves a much more exotic name... like microwave or oven. Don't you agree? Whenever I'm having baking related conversations I get stuck for a second or two when I get to the part about me mixing something. If I just say "mixer" will people know what am talking about? Or do I need to clarify that this is an electric mixer? Sometimes I just say "beater", which sometimes results in confused looks. This leaves people wondering - did you beat this by hand, or was electricity involved? So I thought about this today while I was on my bike (because that's just the type of things I think about while bike riding), and I think it's time we pave a new path in the future of electric mixers. Because electricity shouldn't really be an issue in 2010.

You could say that KitchenAid has already paved that path, but as far as I know the term only refers to standing electric mixers. Besides, we don't want them taking over the entire electric mixing family like Band-Aid took over the adhesive bandage, now do we?

The first electric mixer was invented by Herbert Johnston in 1908. I pretty okay with just calling these things "Herberts" from now on. WHO'S WITH ME?!

My finger got sucked into a Herbert yesterday. If you're wondering how that even happens, you're not alone. As it was happening all I could think was HOW DOES THIS EVEN HAPPEN?! It was definitely one of my prouder moments.

I can't end this post without addressing the creepiness of that picture. It's like... a low budget movie poster.

Allow me to demonstrate...

You know it's true.

3 funny stories (kind of)

2010-04-05T01:03:00.014-06:00

Just when I think it can't get any worse. Just when I think, "Okay Taren, only two movies left to go and then this will all be a horrible memory." Just when I thought S.M. had been banished from the vampire writing community. (Did anyone else actually read Breaking Dawn?) If this community doesn't exist yet I want to start it, just so I can declare her banished.

Just when I think we're ready to move on, this happens: The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner.

That Stephanie Meyer sure knows how to pick a title. I don't even know what to say, really. When it comes to Twilight... I have no words left. I used to have words. You can read them here, here, here, here, here, here, here, or here. But now, now it just seems like a hopeless cause. I've said all that I can say. My only hope is that someone is listening.

On to greener pastures. High School Musical 3 made it's television debute on Disney Channel today! Why am I telling you this? Because friends -- wait for it -- that means that I was on Disney Channel today. That's right, for 3 whole seconds my face was on cable for youngsters and parents alike to enjoy. My royalty check should show up in the mail any day now.

Here's that story. (Sorry for all the links today. I just don't feel like using words.) I've never had a picture to show you readers (that's my pet name for you) because I couldn't figure out how to get a screen capture thingy-ma-jigger on my fancy dancy Mac. No one should have to do this in 2010, but I finally broke down and took a picture of a picture.

But first, there's a couple of things I need to explain. My hair is so hideous because the "hair department" had put my hair into a nast polygamist braid! I pulled it out and opted for a side pony right before they started filming. I should have just left it down and messy. Biggest regret of my life. Second, how are we so close to Zac you ask? I was determined to be seen, and not just be another loser in the background. I'd much rather be a loser in the limelight. We made our way up to the front until Meg was as close as we could get without being escorted of the premises. That's just the kind of the annoying extras we are. I'm also the kind that looks into the camera...

That's me, looking directly at you. I'm such a natural.

Oh, hey girl hey! Meg (arm up) and I dancing for Zac.

Me. And Zac. We're practically dating in this pic.

Cool story, Taren. And I'm not even done yet! This one time it was my last day in China and I decided it would be a really good idea to get a head message/deep conditioning at a local "salon". The next day I found this:

Too bad I was back in America, or I would have marched right back in there and demanded they return my luscious lock of hair.

Some China woman is probably wearing it as a hair piece as we speak.

I took two years for me to be normal again. See? Now wasn't that a funny story? Just admit, I'm the coolest girl you don't know.

Aaron Karo for President! (Joe Jonas 2024?)

2010-04-02T17:50:00.006-06:00

I found the man! Technically Clothed Much found him and Kim told me about it, but I going to go ahead and take the credit.

His name is Aaron Karo, and this is his website. Apparently he has two books and does some occasional stand up. Good to see he's getting the recognition he deserves... well, at least some of the recognition. That brilliant list is still circling the internet author-less, I'm sure.

Last but not least, because this blog has seriously been lacking in Joe Jonas lately, a video for your viewing pleasure...

He makes me laugh, and I can't deny it. Also, was anyone else slightly disturbed by the size of Demi's waist?

Taren Through Time: An Outsiders Perspective

2010-04-01T13:12:00.008-06:00

I have funny friends. I like to think that if the rest of the world only knew they would ditch their own, less-funny friends for mine.

Not that I rate my friends on funny-ness, but I do, and Lizzy is on top of the list. She always knows just what to say. I asked Lizzy to be a guest chef for the Flan, in an effort to share her hilarity with 1/35,000,000 of the world. Just trying to do my part. She can currently be found here or here. That's right, you too can be fan of Jon and Liz on Facebook. I have never met anyone who didn't like love Lizzy, or Jon for that matter. Seriously, if the world only knew.

Take it away Liz...

I've known Taren long enough for her to become a sibling to me. In fact, she's my Dad's favorite daughter--which yes, can be offensive to those of us who really are his daughters, but we can't dispute that she deserves the position. When Taren asked me to do a guest post on her blog, I decided to dedicate the entire post to her. Although Taren reveals a lot about herself on her blog, her readers deserve to know a more exhaustive complexity of this person we call Taren.

So here it is: My favorite memories of Taren

1. The first time I met Taren she was storming my junior high bus to demand that my sister give her back her Pocahontas necklace--which had come with her little sisters Barbie. Upon receiving it she said, "Go rob your own little sister!"

2. My older sister and Taren ditched class so often together in high school that the day before graduation, neither one of them knew if they would be able to graduate. As they layed on my parents bed contemplating life Taren yelled out, "I don't even care about graduating! I just want to walk across that stage with the rest of my friends! They don't have to give me a diploma! They could hand me a piece of paper that says, "You're a stupid loser whose not going anywhere in life" for all I care! I just want to walk across that stage!"

Luckily they did both graduate, thanks to a p.e. teacher who had no idea what he signing when he signed off their missing credits.

3. One day Taren and I were driving down the freeway in her crappy car (if you haven't read about Taren's car, go HERE) whose sun roof was stuck open and it started to rain. Taren told me, "Don't worry. If I drive fast enough no rain comes in." Indeed, 20 miles over the speed limit later, no rain was coming in the car.

4. Speaking of Taren's car, one night she was leaving our house, late for curfew as usual, only to find that someone had tied up her car and left a ransom note on it demanding that ten dollars in unmarked bills be left on the front lawn. We all thought it was clever, but none of our friends would confess to the prank. Two weeks later it happened again, with a note that said, "you ignored my last request, so the ransom has now been raised to twenty dollars."

It wasn't until a few months later that the 80 year old man who lived next door confessed to both car-nappings. Nobody is still quite sure why he did it.

5. When Taren returned from her expedition to Russia, she told my sister and I, "Everything is so expensive in Russia, so I just bought a dozen of these key chains to give all my friends." She handed us both our keychain, then looking back into the bag she said, "I hope I have ten more friends."

6. When I got married last summer, I was searching for who would take our engagement pictures, who would edit our pictures, who would do my hair for my wedding, and who would do my makeup for my wedding. Taren stepped in and did it all.

7. Taren's ex-boyfriend, who has never been on a bull, is now pursuing his career in professional bull riding. You dodged a bullet there, Taren.

8. When i was in high school Taren would pick me up every Tuesday night for Institute--but usually we just ended up shopping at Target or going out to eat. She called it "Tuesday's with Lizzy". That year when she found out I had started dating a guy her first question was, "Does he know about me? And what we do?"

Here's to Taren! The best of a friend who any girl could ever have! The friend who buys you random sale items you'd never buy yourself, but secretly want. The friend who tells you your ex-boyfriends new girlfriend looks like a handicapped girl she once knew. The friend who's comfortable enough inviting herself over for all major holidays and celebrations.

Taren.

A truly unexpected tribute... which has left me feeling somewhat uncomfortably exposed to the world. I guess it's time you knew the truth. Should it scare me that I don't remember half of these stories? People tell me things from my past and it's like "Oh, I did that huh?... Is it too late to apologize?"

Personally, I think Lizzy should be a regular addition to the Flan.

HELP! (mystery man for president)

2010-03-31T23:30:00.004-06:00

Someone needs to find the author of THIS LIST. I've seen it close to a dozen times - on facebook, mommy blogs, you name it I've seen it... there. Today I saw it on a fashion themed blog, of all places. The list is genius really, but I can't help but feel sad for the author every time this thing gets passed on to another group of people. Basically, what am saying is someone out there is not getting the recognition they deserve. It's a shame I tell you, a shame. Not to mention, if that author were me I'd be Pissed. With a capitol 'P'.

Let's make a difference. We can find this man. I read somewhere that it was a man. Might very well be a woman. I think it's a him. See what I mean about not getting the recognition they deserve? We don't even know the gender of this genius for Pete's sake!

Oh, what the heck. What's one more copy and paste to add to the list? Here it is... (I don't even know the official title of this. What. a. SHAME.)

I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.
Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.
That's enough, Nickelback.
I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the "people you may know" feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?
Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.
There is a great need for sarcasm font.
Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what was going on when I first saw it.
I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.
How are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.
Was learning cursive really necessary?
Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".
I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.
My brother's Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads. Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the name. He explained, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate us." Classy, bro.
Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart.”
How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?
I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent an idiot from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!
Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies"
What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?
While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.
MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.
Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
I would like to officially coin the phrase 'catching the swine flu' to be used as a way to make fun of a friend for hooking up with an overweight woman. Example: "Dave caught the swine flu last night."
I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
Bad decisions make good stories.
Whenever I'm Facebook-stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!
Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier and sluttier every year?
If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.
Why is it that during an icebreaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem....
You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.
Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.
There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
"Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.
I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'
I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dang it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.
Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.
I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.
Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey- but I'd bet everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...
My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How do I respond to that?
It really ticks me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.
I wonder if cops ever get ticked off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.
I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fatty before dinner.

Long, but definitely worth it. If it weren't for the "My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day..." line I would have turned this post into a desperate plea to find my future husband. I mean, seriously... this list is genius, and I picture myself with a genius.

Let's find the one person who said the things we wished we could but didn't know how. And then maybe we can make him President? Yeah?

it's hard to have friends when you live in 1990

2010-03-30T00:25:00.008-06:00

MONTH: March
YEAR: 2010

SCENARIO: Meg and Taren go to a movie.

We had planned through text message to meet on the following Tuesday. Nothing further was decided. On Monday I read on Meg's Facebook that she is without a cell phone until further notice. On Tuesday I make a mental note to get on gtalk and make meeting arrangements with her. I drive to the theater at the decided time and find Meg waiting for me on a nearby bench. Crisis averted. But what if something had gone wrong?

MONTH: March

YEAR: 1990

SCENARIO: Meg and Taren attempt to go to a movie.

After several failed attempts to get ahold of each other through landlines, we finally plan to meet the following Tuesday. On Monday I called Meg again to discuss times, etc. Unbeknownst to me her phone had been such off due to unforeseen circumstances. Hmm... now I'm left wondering if we are still on for Tuesday, so I decide to drive to her house to do some minor investigating. I've only been to her place once before, so I have to ask 3 neighbors before I find the right apartment, where Meg is then able to explain the phone situation. The next day I get a flat tire 5 blocks from the theater. I decide to ditch the car and take care of it later since Meg is waiting. The 5 block walk takes much longer than anticipated and I don't arrive at the theater until 7:30. After walking around the building 2.5 times I decide that Meg has already left. She was actually inside the theater all along. I use a pay phone to get some help with my tire, and then head home. The next day I send a letter via the US Postal service to Meg. She won't get it for 2 days. For 2 whole days she'll wonder if I'm alive, dead, or just plain flakey. It is at this point that I make a solemn oath to never see or movie, or leave my house, again.

Okay, seriously. How did people live this way?

I DO. NOT. UNDERSTAND.

(short) letters

2010-03-22T03:04:00.009-06:00

Dear Parents,
Thanks for putting braces on my when I was 8. And again when I was 12. Seriously, thank you.

Dear Mark Zuckerberg,
You never accepted my friend request on Facebook. Jerk.

Dear Michelle Obama,
There's a nightly news anchor who probably looks nothing like you, but I always get the two of you confused. So what?

Dear Joe Jonas,
If you only knew...

Dear Jen Anniston,
Can I call you Jen? We need to have a talk. I love you, but why all the stupid movies?

Dear Justin Bieber,
If I were 13 would I be obsessing over you? I don't think I would be.

Dear Stephanie Meyer,
Four words: Twilight: the Graphic Novel. I hope you're happy.

Dear China,
I will make it back someday. Don't go anywhere, k?

Dear Past Self,
What does this list mean?...

Tabacco

Wash hands

Old people

STDs

Sunscreen

Carbs

Carbination/Caffiene

Breast Cancer

Exercise

Naked Men

I'm baffled. Truly.

Sincerely,

Taren

(My mom found that list in a notebook she was using today. It's my handwriting, but I can't remember for the life of me why I would ever put such good things (sunscreen & clean hands) together on a list with such things as "old people" and "STDs". It's driving me crazy, really. Naked men?)

recipe of the week

2010-03-21T02:17:00.006-06:00

So far the "try a new recipe every week" goal is seriously conflicting with the "achieve weight loss goal" goal. (goal goal?)

Hmm...

So, today we made "Homemade girl scout cookies: somoa bars"!!! Yeah, you heard me.

Step #1

Wear cute aprons!

(where's your eye going Jules?)

Step #2

Bake the cookie crust.

Step #3

Plop the caramel and coconut concoction generously and SPREAD!

(ta-da!)

Step #4

Drizzle, drizzle, drizzle.

(we struggled with the drizzle)

Step #5

Drizzle directly into mouth.

Step #6

In honor of Somoan culture, decorate using chocolate and native war-paint stylings.

(craziness will ensue)

Step #7

Eat!

(but clean of your face first, or people will think you're weird)

If you want the "real" recipe go HERE. Our review? Good, but the shortbread style crust is a little overpowering, so it doesn't have the exact Samoa taste.

I started practicing the violiiin today! It was going fine until my bow was seriously sucking, and then I realized I definitely need to get that thing re-haired... as soon as I have some extra $$$. Luckily Jules had a spare and then the practice was flantastic! Check us out, we're so musical. I also learned a new song on the guitar today! Not on the list, but still equally awesome.

HAPPY SUNDAY!

25 before 25

2010-03-18T02:12:00.011-06:00

In approximately 5 months I will turn 25. There's nothing I can do about it, and it seems so unfair. Twenty-freaking-five. Five years to 30 ladies and gents, so without further ado, I have 4.8 months to complete the following. The Flan Clan (that's you) will hold me accountable.

italic=in process, bold=completed

.......................

Pay for someone behind me in a drive through.

Perform at a clogging competition.

Read 1 book a month just for fun.

Send a card in the mail every week.

Create a budget.

Live on a budget.

Try a new recipe every week (cooking is not my thing).

Go mountain biking.

Buy a pair of roller blades.

Attend an American Idol taping (and/or another t.v. show).

Reach and maintain my weight loss goals.

Be crafty again.

Read the Book of Mormon AND the Bible cover to cover.

~~Wake up by 9 every weekday this summer (this is HUGE).~~

Lay on a beach for an entire day.

Talk to people at school.

Have a picnic in the mountains.

Wear floral print tights every day for a week.

Relearn Praeludium and Allegro on the violin.

Start a one-sentence journal.

Ride a horse.

Buy a ridiculously expensive purse... made of leather.

Learn to knit the slippers that my Grandma is famous for knitting.

Refurbish a piece of furniture.

(And one more thing I haven't thought of yet.)

....................................

Welp... looks like that first week of September is going to be pretty busy. Just jokes! The count down to September 10th starts NOW.

I'm scared to hit publish. This list is not going to be easy for me, and the second I make this post official this list becomes official. As in, I can't sleep past 9 whenever I feel like it... crud.

Twenty-three is old. It's almost like 25, which is like almost mid-twenties. - Jessica Simpson

So true.

things you should never google...

2010-03-15T02:00:00.005-06:00

"Tree Man"

"Man with no face"

"Anencephaly"

"Parasitic twin"

"Most horrific human growths of all time"

To name a few. You may be thinking "Why would my fingers ever type the word 'Anacephaly' ". Well friends, I thought the same thing just 3 short days ago. It's a slippery slope that all starts with two seemingly innocent words: Tree Man.

The roommate and I spent a few hours the other night being completely and... completely horrified. And yet, we couldn't peel our eyes of the screen. Once you click "Tree Man" you can't stop clicking. Click click CLICK! Then, before you know it the Tree Man has lead you to this man and that man, and the world as you know it will never be the same.

Consider yourself warned.

I hope Jules blogs about Tree Man soon. Her unhealthy obsession needs some explaining. Seriously, I catch her looking.

Also noteworthy: If you ever get the urge to google "Oobees", which I strongly encourage (they are the worst thing to happen to Utah fashion since Bumpits), make sure you spell "Oobees", not "Oobies". Google will think you meant "Boobies". FYI.

alright people, listen up

2010-03-04T21:05:00.003-07:00

I am not moderating comments to prevent you from saying something embarrassing about me. I do that enough on my own.

I am not moderating comments because I am afraid one of you will say something... (plug your ears)... dirty. I could easily delete that, then call you a dummy.

I am not moderating comments because I give a crap about what you say about what I have to say... not to say that I don't give a crap, because I love your comments. (smile).

I am moderating comments because I was getting spammed 30+ every night with links to Asian porn sites.

I am moderating comments to spare your innocent eyes from one unsuspecting click. Before moderation I was going through and deleting these spam comments one by one. I don't want them on my blog, and I don't have an hour every day to get rid of them.

So, basically, what I'm saying is GET OVER IT.

And you're welcome.

let's play a game (this class is a joke)

2010-03-04T12:32:00.001-07:00

I love jokes. I don't, however, love rather lengthly $500 jokes.

I also love games. (Not really, but let's pretend). I've decided to call this game what, pray tell, is the title of this class??? I've put together a few snippets of the lecture. In the past 75 minutes, we covered such diverse topics as:

"The whole vampire thing is about people who tempt people to misbehave...."

A little later...

"You have edward, he wants to suck the living daylight out of what's her name... which is really a metaphor for what? Sex. He wants to have sex with her. So that lady's books are really about what? Her books are about abstinence."

"When we talk about descent what are we talking about? It means when you're forming a group... if you form a group based upon this principle... based upon the connections you have with the generation above you... um, you have decent."

"You can trace it through your mother's line, and you call those people uterines, which of course comes from the word uterus."

Of course.

"You have white collar crimes and blue collar crimes and then, you know, they all get together in prison."

"Next door to me two women live together, a few houses down there are 2 men who live together. One of them fixes light posts. Best neighbors I've ever had."

"The kitchen God is a lot like Santa Clause... which, by the way, that song always scared me when I was younger. He knows when I'm awake?..."

"Any politicians in this class? So we can beat you up? Because you say you're going to represent us, then you don't."

"A man without a basket is like a sailing canoe without a rudder."

"I dare say that 2 or 3 percent of this class will even give a damn what I say in this class."

I dare say the percentage is much higher. You know what else? I dare you to tell me what it is exactly that I am supposed to be learning from this goon. Ready? Go.

i miss this.

2010-03-01T01:22:00.008-07:00

(St. Petersburg)

Living out of a backpack, train rides, mystery market foods, hand gestures in place of verbal communication, drunken photobombers... I miss it all.

America is nice, but I enjoy being a foreigner much to much.

MUST. TRAVEL.

(Yangshuo, China)

Sigh. How can I be content when places like that, or circumstances like this exist?...

(somewhere in Russia)

I can't.

This is my burden.

because my next meal involves saltines and asparagus...

2010-02-23T15:17:00.005-07:00

Occasionally I use the Flan to share with you the things I love. The things that need to be a part of your life, because - well, if they're a part of my life they must be necessary to your every day existence... you just don't know it yet.

There are 2 words you need to know: Fat Sticks. You heard me. Fat and Sticks. If you've been within 30 feet of me in the last week you have heard more than you ever wanted to hear about Fat Sticks. For some reason whenever I'm on a carb restricting diet Fat Sticks are all I can think about. ALL THE TIME.

Fat Sticks have been an integral part of my life since my freshman year of college. That was five years ago, but my old roommates and I still talk about them regularly. ALL THE TIME. Seriously.

I tried to find you a decent picture, but this was the best Google and I could do:

(Only they are so much better than that! It's basically like a parmesan crusted breadstick with the perfect amount of softness and thickness.)

In case you're not understanding, let me give you an example: Last fall one of said roommates was visiting her Grandmother in our old college town, 2 hours from where I was living at the time. She was leaving that night, but had a few extra hours. I got in my car, drove to the middle of nowhere (a.k.a. Ephraim, UT) and met her at Fat Jacks Pizza. We basked in the joy of Fat Sticks for 1.5 hours, and then she went her way and I started the 2 hour drive back home. Would I have made that drive to visit a dear friend if Fat Sticks were not involved?... I'm not so sure.

It was partly because I like her, however, because there happens to be Fat Sticks in Payson.

What I'm getting at is that the one thing my body wants right now is the one thing I can't have. Not until I reach my weight goal. There is a Fat Jacks Pizza in Payson. YOU need to make it a priority to get there. Soon. Eat some Fat Sticks in my honor, and love me forever. Because you will - love me (and hate me a little) forever. I will be your new best friend. Be sure to get the ranch dipping sauce! This is necessary to the Fat Stick experience. It's a thick creamy ranch that you could say resembles alfredo sauce. I don't even want to know what's in there. I just know it's heaven. Your mouth will thank you for it. Also, make sure you don't get the cheese covered Fat Sticks - just the regular.

This might just be definitely is my crazy diet talking. When I'm a normal person I think about Fat Sticks, but not like this. Not so much that at any given moment I could be on my way to Payson with a crazed look in my eye. In the 4 years since I left Ephraim I have only had Fat Sticks a handful of times. That being said, I am already planning my next Fat Stick day (Yes, I dedicate whole days to Fat Sticks). Because a life without Fat Sticks (or cheese fries... or pumpkin cookies) is not a life I want to live. It's all about moderation. Six days of eating a healthy 1500 calorie diet, then one day of 10,000 calories in Fat Sticks... it all evens out, right? RIGHT? Just say yes.

WARNING:
I started my freshman year of college looking this this:

And ended it like this:

I blame Fat Sticks. Who would have ever thought they make you fat? Just be sure you're not eating 2+ orders of Fat Sticks weekly and you should be fine... now GO! Go get yourself some Fat Sticks! Because someone has too, or I might just lose my mind!!!

Update: After I posted I clicked on the Payson link to make sure it worked... It did, and then I realized that there were "3 reviews" of Fat Jacks Pizza... one posted by a Taren G. in January 2007. I don't remember doing that, and I am seriously (laughing) so hard. Do you understand know how much I LOVE these things!?!?!?

Meeexican weekend.

2010-02-17T01:35:00.004-07:00

I spent the weekend in Baja Mexico with the Kaiizen Foundation. It's run by a great group of... well, I'll let them tell you - "created by college students, for college students. Kaiizen was created to provide a forum that would allow students to dedicate themselves to worthwhile causes." Indeed. They go down every few months, always with a good project in mind to better the orphanage, but most importantly to make the kids laugh and simply. have. fun. So check them out on facebook or on their official website. The meetings start about 1 month prior to each trip, and I think the next one will be in April. So check it out - it's a great way to get involved!

The flower hair clips were a huge hit!

Jessica and I were assigned to the BABIES for the 2 hour "mentoring" time! If it weren't for the stupid border I'm pretty sure Isabelle would have come home with me! They take great care of the kids there, but I still wish I could give them all a home! As much as I hate when people treat service trips as a photo op (Kaiizen is for the kids, not for Facebook) I have to ask - how could anyone resist taking a picture of that face!?!?! Not me. I could kiss those cheeks all day! (Please note flower clips. Yeah, even the BABIES were rockin' em. Pay no attention to my grease ball head.) Not exactly sure why I feel the need to capitalize "BABIES"...

When it's Cowboys vs. Indians being an Indian is always more fun, fyi.

New goal: make the beach a priority.

On a separate, completely unrelated note...

Quote(s) of the Week

Brought to you by the people who make up my days... and the letter P.

She's a pest. Isn't she a pest? Go play in the road. My Grandma loves my little sister. She really does.

I really... love Joe Jonas. I've been considering marrying him so he can put me through med school. The one and only Sarah R., ladies and gents.

2010-02-09T16:34:00.001-07:00

Well friends, I'll be in Mexico until Monday... (will explain later)... (maybe)... (most likely). Until then, I hope your Valentine's Day is everything you've dreamed and more. Did I mention I heart Valentine's day? I'm kinda bummed I won't be giving Valentine's out this year... the Harry Potter box is always my first choice. What better way to say I love you than with magical puns? Oh well, consider yourselves loved just the same.

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

have a MAGICAL valentine's day!

(it's just not the same coming from me)

100 followers!

2010-02-05T12:27:00.003-07:00

Yay! I luuurve you guys! (Don't worry Megan T. I don't think you're a creeper.)

In honor of 100.... well, let's just say something spectacular is coming.

Just. you. wait.

just call me Monica

2010-02-04T14:45:00.001-07:00

I had been on the lookout for a good pair of combat/biker chick boots for the past few months. I love that style. Not entirely sure why, but it definitely has might have something to do with Miley Cyrus. Mostly I love that you can dress them up or dress them down, and just look plain awesome either way.

First, I had my sights set on these:

The price was discouraging, to say the least, but through shear determination and some unparalleled surfing skills I found them elsewhere for $190. I also uncovered a 15% coupon code. Add free shipping on top of that, and I was sold. I almost couldn't click "purchase" fast enough. That is how much I love my teen style icons foot-shaped leather. The next day I received a disappointing email. Those bubble bursters had sold me boots without actual having any of my size in stock. Drat.

This story takes us next to these:

Not exactly what I had envisioned, but still cute. Half off was a pretty good deal AND I found myself a nice little 20% off coupon code online. (It's a talent, folks)

I'm wearing them today. I want to DIE today. I feel like I'm living in an episode of FRIENDS. You know - Monica buys the boots, Monica can't walk in the boots, Monica's pride won't let her admit that the boots SUCK.

I'm hoping this will get better, but at the moment I am sitting in an empty classroom because I am dreading making the 200 yard trek to my next class. My heels have blisters the size of quarters. Maybe even a 50 cent coin.

I made it guys. I'm here in my next class. For the first time in my life I watched the 90% of UVU girls wearing Uggs with a jealous eye. Puffy big foot goodness is sounding p-r-e-t-t-y fashionable right about now.

I'm seriously considering going barefoot when it comes time to somehow. get. to. my. car.

Taren's Husband

2010-02-03T02:53:00.010-07:00

Jennie met the man of her dreams 2 days ago. He had the British accent. You know, the accent. Need I say more? It was him. Fate had placed him in her study group for the sole purpose of... until what to her wondering eyes should appear? A ring. (Were you expecting eight tiny reindeer? Me too.) Isn't that always the case? Attractive, funny, someone you could take home to mom, add an ACCENT and yeah - he's definitely taken.

That's just how it rolls. In Provo.

A dear friend of mine recently informed me, and I quote, "I met your husband today! There he was. I knew right away it was him. And then, before I could investigate further... well, he was married."

I should explain.

This friend claims to have a perfect vision of the man I am destined to marry. In fact, once while riding a bus in China she wrote him out on paper so that she would never forget this man inside her head. But also in the hopes that I would set my sights on finding him as soon as possible.

That was 3 years ago, but as evidence from our most recent conversation she is still very much convinced that he is out there. Waiting to be found. The paper stayed tucked inside my wallet for the longest time. A good luck charm if you will, but mostly a memory of good times and good friends. I think it's time I put it to some good use. After 15 minutes of searching through boxes I found it. So now, I have to ask:

Have you seen this man?

This fictional character, like most, may seem to good to be true. Like a Jim Halpert on paper. Sure, all the girls want one, but does one really exist? I simply refuse to accept that Jim Halpert is a fictional character, and so in the spirit of believing I ask the blogging world: Have you seen this man? If seen contact... well, contact me. Taren. That's Karen, with a T.

Side note: I am flexible when it comes to hair, eyes, ears, and strength of calves. Flexibility will not be shown in the case of abnormally large toes... eww.

*sigh* If Joe Jonas only knew...

LOST

2010-02-01T02:32:00.006-07:00

What can I say? Other than OH! OH MY! OH MY MY MY! The day I have been waiting for has finally arrived. LOST is back, and Tuesday nights as I know it will never be the same. For the first time in 10 years a show comes along that has the power to tear me from the addictive grasp of American Idol. You see, I only recently discovered LOST. To put it plainly I watched all 5 seasons in a period of about 3 weeks. A reality I felt pretty lame about until I realized... what's the difference in watching 1 episode every week for 5 seasons. Right? I got it over with in 3 weeks. Who's the unproductive one now?

SPOILER ALERT! Here comes a recap, and it ain't gonna be pretty...

Plan crashes. Jack takes over. Jack wins the hearts of women everywhere. Survival is threatened by mysterious beat-like creatures living in the jungle. Turns out they're just really big polar bears. Still freaky. Pregnant lady gets kidnapped. Reveals the existence of "others". There's also that French lady. She's certifiable. It's around this time that Jack starts to get really annoying. Still attractive, however. Jon Lock finds the hatch. Dun dun dun. We're left wondering what ever happened to the polar bears, who seemed to disappear after the mysteriousness of them faded. The survivors from the tail-end of the plane are discovered. They're not huge fans of this island thing, which leads to the eventual death of, well... pretty much all of them. Add the whole Darma Initiative into the mix and things start to get wild. A lot of button pushing mixed with a whole lot of crazy ensues. This and that, this and that, unnecessary characters die and we move on. Six get off the Island, the same six go completely insane with guilt and somehow make it back to the island, which happens to be in the year 1973. Magical powers are in play here, naturally, and someone named Jacob is behind it. We fall for all of it. Sawyer and Juliet make a cute couple. Who would have thought? Jack and Kate ruin everything and Juliet falls down a giant HOLE IN THE GROUND TO HER UNAVOIDABLE DEATH!!!..................and, breathe.

There you have it. The worst summary of LOST you will ever find. If nothing else, it gives you just the tinniest glimpse into 3 weeks of my life that I can never get back.

Season 6? BRING. IT. ON.

word for word, just had this convo with a cafeteria cashier

2010-01-28T13:14:00.001-07:00

him: Just the salad...
me: Yeah.
him: How are you today?
me: Good, thanks. How are you?
him: Tender.
me: ... emotionally?
him: No. I... I've been working out.
me: Cool.

(continued from Jan. 11)

2010-01-21T23:21:00.008-07:00

The Christmas season is a time when good movies are abundant. This year, I made an unsettling perfectly normal discovery.

I secretly loved every minute of enjoyed Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel.

I enjoyed it more than, say... Sherlock Holmes.

Much, much more.

I have a big fat chipmunk crush on Theodore.

I am not ashamed.

Tell me internet people, what are YOU not ashamed to admit?

(Can at least one other person be in love with Theodore? Someone tell me I am not alone in this! How could I be? I mean, really, that rodent is freaking A-DOR-ABLE!)

waking up in 5 hours... hurray

2010-01-19T02:22:00.005-07:00

Here we are, two weeks into the semester, and I am STILL in Christmas break mode. Not good my friends, not good. I should be sleeping right now. I don't know why I'm still awake. However, if there's anything this past year has taught me, those times are the best times to blog! And so, blog I must.

My roommate laughs in her sleep. We're pretty sure this is an every night occurrence. I only hear her when I'm up late, and sitting on the couch in the next room. I dread it. Like tonight. I'm sorry, but I do not like being incoherently talked to in the dark, let alone laughed at. It freaks me right out. No laughter tonight. Not yet. No, instead my roommate started talking gibberish! As if English and the occasional laugh weren't freaky enough. It was like some foreign dream language! My heart almost jumped out of my chest.

I sort of love Valentine's day. Is that weird? Maybe not. Until I tell you that I have never actually had a "valentine". Now do you think I'm weird? Probably. If I've acted like I didn't like Valentines Day in the past it was all a ruse. I actually enjoy all the decorations, and the fact that I can buy Harry Potter love notes for all my friends. I like that around Valentine's Day good chick flicks usually come out. Those are hard to come by these days! Especially in 2009. (Love Happens... worst thing that ever happened to me). Valentine's Day is just fun! I can say this because I've never had to stress over the perfect gift, or the perfect outfit, or an un-perfect boyfriend. Hence, my Valentine's Day = perfect.

My Brother got married last weekend! Surprise! I forget there are some people who read this, who don't actually know the happenings of my day to day life... not that you care per se, but I thought I'd share anyway. They're cute :) And it was just a great weekend, having all the family in one place and such.

I am so over this stage of my life. Only problem is I can't be "over" it because I am still "in" it. So for now I am just going to fill my year with fun... because I can. A weekend in Mexico, perhaps I'll make it back to Hawaii, or how about this - I'll convince Jessica and Tiff to let me join their 10 day cruise to Greece... yes, I think that will make this "stage" that much more...

We're leaving our Christmas tree up and decorating it with hearts. I LOVE VALENTINE'S DECOR! Muah!

For some reason I decided that making my school schedule to fit entirely on Tuesdays and Thursdays would be a really good idea. Until I spent 13 hours on campus last Tuesday... bad idea. Still a really good idea when I slept until 11 last Wednesday however.

2:15? Good heck. I'm going to bed.

did i tell you?

2010-01-14T00:04:00.000-07:00

i'm BLONDE again!

and i love it.

btw, i love YOU.

you make me smile.

i don't know what to call it.

2010-01-12T01:04:00.003-07:00

more than anything i love the popular fashions of now... the vintage/old lady/homeless/mismatched/yet still classy/i don't even know what to call it... look. i mean, i really love it. i want so much to embrace it. part of me wishes i could throw away my entire wardrobe and start anew. although, the beautiful thing about this particular kind of style is that almost anything can be thrown together to create one amazing look. part of me things i have to be skinny skinny first!... and the other part of me thinks i should stop waiting for the non-existent day where i look like an Olsen twin, and start dressing how i want to dress today. this is the kind of style that's been waiting to burst out of me for years! i love this so much more than flare jeans, or roxy t-shirts, or any trend that has been a part of my life in the past. embellished jeans are so yesterday. ew. i dunno, there's something fun and sassy about looking like a 3 year old living in 1923 dressed you... if you ask me.

so my favorite place on the web is modcloth.com... if it were up to me i'd wear everything they have to offer. flickr has a group called "the modcloth style exchange". needless to say, i love that too and i thought i'd share with you some of my favorite styles.

(i figure these girls have already plastered their pictures all over the internet, so no harm done in copying them to the flan, right?)

just don't be surprised if someday you see me wearing...

i could keep going, but i think you get the gist. do you think i'm crazy? it's okay. i kinda am ;)

P.S.

It was my bf's birthday today! (well, yesterday)

She's one cool cat.

Not to mention, the only one I know who would decorate a wall like this with me on our first day of college:

(2004)

Yes, our first day as "adults" and we spent 4 hours creating a wall mural dedicated to MK and Ash. People came from miles just to see it. We were legend!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

cuz i love you!

a top 10 of sorts

2010-01-11T01:38:00.004-07:00

Different ideas have come and gone. Should I write a little something about 2009? Should I say it in this way? Or that way? Now it's 2 weeks later, and even if you cared at one point you definitely don't care now. Plus, I'd rather not relive the pathetic-ness of it all. If you're not sick and tired of year-end reviews yet and I've just left you feeling disappointed, why don't you check out my 2008? Because, like it or not, my 2008 pretty much topped anything you did that year. Just jokes... but seriously.

If I wanted to I'm sure there's a lot that could be said about 2009. There was that awesome trip to Hawaii, a whole lot of weddings, the time I won 3rd row tickets at the Miley Cyrus concert, and then there's the fact that I didn't date. At all. All year. I have yet to accept that fact that eventually I'm going to have to date a lot of frogs to find my prince, blah blah blah...

TOP TEN THINGS I'M NOT ASHAMED TO ADMIT

10. I have 12 stations on Pandora, but Miley Cyrus is the only one I ever play. Thumbs up!

9. I ate a whole lot of gingersnaps today.

8. I know every song from Saturday's Warrior... word for word.

7. I'm currently reading a Twilight parody, called Nightlight.

6. I didn't know the Vice President of the United States, and I still don't. Someone told me, but I forgot. Bybee? Am I close? (Biden! Thanks Google.)

5. I'm awkward.

4. That Tik Tok song?... I love it.

But we kick 'em to the curb unless they look like Mick Jagger!

3. I used (way back) to have a huge, schoolgirl crush on Clay Aiken. Yeah, he turned out to be a real fruitcake.

2. Today was stake conference. I didn't know where it was. My roommate was out of town. So I slept until 1:00.

1. I haven't been on a date since... well, it was before 2009 I'll tell you that much.

Anyway.

2010 is going to be epic. I can feel it in my big bones. It might have something to do with this lovely 12 Months of Color Daily Planner that I recently purchased from amazon.com... I'd watch your back if I were you, 2010. You won't even know what hit it you... (surprise, it's color coded organization!)

(here)

preview of my 2009 review... coming soon

2010-01-02T14:14:00.002-07:00

this is what lady gaga does to me.

2009-12-29T00:12:00.002-07:00

Christmas break is a beautiful thing.

I wish my roommate would come home...

i love inventors.

2009-12-20T12:54:00.000-07:00

Who knew snuggies were so versatile? This baby is keeping us insulated throughout the winter.

2009-12-19T22:13:00.002-07:00

It's funny how when you say something to a kid, there's a chance that it will stick with them forever. It could be any random thing, that you maybe didn't think twice of at the time. But that child will remember the time you told her she had a "little piggy nose" every time she sees a picture where both of her nostrils are visible.

When I was 8 I thought crossing my eyes was really cool. Naturally. Of course I wanted to show everyone my new found talent. One day my Grandma told me that if I kept crossing my eyes they would stay that way, and I'd never be able to get them back to normal. I didn't cross my eyes again until... it was a long time. It took me hours to fall asleep for weeks. I thought my eyes would cross in my unconscious state without my consent and I'd wake up crossed eyed forever. To this day, every time someone mentions crossed eyes I think about my Grandma's warning. And even though I know it's not true, there's still something in the back of my mind that whispers what if? What if?!

Julianna's brother once told her she looked like a dog. Do you think she has ever forgotten? No. Every time we see a dog I have to reassure her that the resemblance is merely coincidental.

Be careful what you say to children, that's all I'm saying.

Dear 2009

2009-12-16T12:02:00.003-07:00

Really?

Yours truly,
Taren

To Do

2009-12-11T21:53:00.007-07:00

My Christmas break to-do list keeps getting longer and longer. I'm excited though! Oh, to have no deadlines, no one telling me that a paper definitely worth of 100% was only worthy of 91 in their old misguided eyes, and last but not least - no more Geology! I HATE ROCKS. My to-do list is long, and if I chose not to do any of it it wouldn't matter. Therein lies the beauty.

Send Christmas Cards!
Renew my gym pass.
Go to the gym. (ha.)
No, but seriously.
Scan my childhood pictures. Digital world, here I come!
Send some packages.
Get rid of all my crap. Translation: organize my life! I plan to keep only the things I actually use and/or need. We'll see how that works.
Write a blog post about how boys should suck it up and stop whining.
Read Hunger Games. I've heard all good things.
Finish my scrapbook of Russia.
Buy some new jeans for my new butt.
AND find an outfit for the wedding :)
(Not my wedding).

So yeah, I think that's it. (but I'm pretty sure I've forgotten 10-12 things, and I'm definitely sure I'll think of 10-12 more). It all starts this Wednesday at 3:30!

Speaking of Christmas cards I only have like... 5 addresses. Jenn, Kim, Kasidee, Kiki, Marci, you're good. Everyone else, email me please :) If you don't email me I'll email you, and it won't be pleasant.

2009-12-10T21:25:00.007-07:00

i love twilight.

(i'm getting something great for saying that. just wait until i tell you allllll about it.)

Kim has left a new comment on your post "i love twilight. (i'm getting something great for...":

I think you should make it bigger. And say it like you mean it.

I LOOOVE TWILIGHT!!!
I eat it, I breath it, I LIVE it.

the end.

me and a tree

2009-12-09T01:57:00.001-07:00

please note the two (count 'em) beautifully tacky birds. the perfect finishing touch to any tree.

my mouth looks funny... like i've recently had wisdom teeth removed. only i haven't.

more christmas themed pics to come.

-LOVE-

2009-12-08T20:35:00.009-07:00

aaauhhhHHH...

woiuwerijmnkjdiLLOWEOI#!!!!!!!!@***&ls;fjapeowi;jrmnfdkfjkl;joierjkdsjfhjueeuueobnTURURDKFKDFFJLDbnnbuaphddhdqooqpo@!!!?!?!?!?*****^aweirunfjdials...

shoot me.

be back *soon. promise.

(maybe later tonight i'll post a picture of our christmas tree. i think a can fandangle (my new favorite non-word) that into my horrible schedule)

p.s. tomorrow i'm going blonde...er.

p.p.s. i feel the need to write a top 10 something... any suggestions?

really leaving now.

*one week, 2 days, and 12 hours (until school is done).

i'd kill a cat if it meant i could eat a sloppy joe right NOW.

what's up with december? let's remember november!

2009-12-01T17:08:00.001-07:00

November never ceases to amaze me. I applied for (and actually got) financial aid! Financial aid that I didn't even know I qualified for! Also in NOVEMBER I lost 20 lbs. Goooo November! I miss you already.

Today it's December, and I just wanted to say that people who leave blood on toilet seats should be shot.

Love always,
Taren

my family has traditions.

2009-11-24T23:53:00.006-07:00

It all started on a family vacation 6 or 8 years ago. I don't remember our destination, I think somewhere in Arizona, but my mom made the mistake of saying we could "stop at every Dairy Queen we saw." Surely she was thinking we would see two, three tops. Seven Dairy Queens, and 42 dipped cones later a family tradition had been set in stone.

Yesterday 8 of us were crammed into the family suburban, my brother's new fiance in tow. We were coming back from a basketball game in a town we don't usually frequent. I'm not sure who spotted it first, but out of no where, and much to the surprise of our family's new addition, the whole car was shouting in unison, "DAIRY QUEEN! DAIRY QUEEN! DAIRY QUEEEEN!" Two minutes later that girl found herself holding a large cherry-dipped cone.

My Dad's not one for candy, but he loves chocolate covered cherries. It has always made him the easiest person to shop for. Every year for Christmas my dad gets a box of Queen Anne Cordial Cherries, the red box that cost $1.25 and takes up an entire aisle in Wal-mart, from each of his indebted children. Every year. Every year our house is blanketed in boxes of imitation cherries.

It might have been because my Dad is trying to loose weight for the upcoming wedding, or maybe he prefers 3 quality chocolate covered cherries to 144 wax ones, but last night in Wal-mart after the Dairy Queen scene he stopped us in the aisle of red boxes, and just when we were expecting him to remininse on Christmases past he pointed and shouted, "DO NOT BUY ME A SINGLE BOX OF QUEEN ANNE'S THIS YEAR. DON'T DO IT! IF ONE SINGLE BOX OF THESE THINGS ENTERS OUR HOUSE THE NEIGHBORS ARE GETTING A LATE-NIGHT SURPRISE!" Passerbyers and finaces alike were no doubt taken back by his sudden protest. Little did he know in that moment he had doomed himself to a life of cheap chocolate for every Christmas, birthday, and anniversary to come. He might even find them on his pillow on every 3rd Tuesday of the month.

TRADITION!

Speaking of traditions, we go out to eat on Thanksgiving. Call us dysfunctional if you must, but personally I enjoy feeling like I'm taking part in some comedic Holiday movie. Partially because my mom is an RN and works every other year, partially because our extended family have begun to start their own families, and partially because we like it. This year? Cracker Barrel.

Now that's classy.

it's free

2009-11-24T14:43:00.002-07:00

I did loose a follower, I did! I am being persecuted against because of my dislike for all things T******T.

In other news, I recently discovered how to see my number of subscribers on google reader... 97, my friends! 90 freaking 7. I think that's all kinds of cool. Except for it's kind of like being the semi-popular kid that no one ever knows about. I mean, you don't have to publicly follow the flan - as long as some people read and occasionaly comment my heart is happy, but I do I think that you should just suck it up and follow me because it's the right thing to do.

i need to clear something up.

2009-11-24T00:19:00.002-07:00

I'm sick of talking about Twilight. You're probably sick of hearing me talk about Twilight. This post is to lay it all out there and get it over with. I don't want to talk about it ever again... okay, I don't want to talk about it until that 4th movie hits theaters. You won't be able to get me to stop talking about it.

A lot of people seem to be disappointed that this "Twilight hater" actually paid dollars and wasted precious hours to see New Moon.

Um, duh.

OF COURSE I SAW NEW MOON!

I had to see it! How can I tell you something is ridiculous if I myself have never seen it? How can I make fun of Robert Pattinson if I didn't witness him in action? He could have been fantastic, and I would have never been around to give him the appreciation he deserved!

He wasn't.

Jacob did better than I had anticipated, and after all - it not his fault if his lines were 90% just plain weird.

DOKATA FANNING, PEOPLE! I support Dokata Fanning.

I was a tad bit disappointed to discover she had a measly 3 lines. Whatevs.

And the laughs! Worth at least 6 bucks.

New Moon overall? Obviously it was better than the first shotty attempt. Obviously they tried to make a real movie, but to tell you the truth I was flat out bored through at least 46% of it. I know myself well enough to know that I couldn't watch it again without my boredom turning into full-on rage.

CAN SOMEONE PLEASE PUT A SHIRT ON RP AND TELL HIM IF HE EVEN THINKS ABOUT TAKING IT OFF EVERY AGAIN...

But seriously guys, why didn't they wax his chest? That was just disturbing. How about a hair transplant? Let's give Jacob, the seemingly hairless werewolf, some of that narly body hair, m'kay?

My internal anguish with the Twilight "Saga" is based almost entirely on the books. And yet, I read them all. Partially because I was stuck in Russia, but also because I had to know where this was going. It could only get better, right? There was no way it could actually get worse... and then there was the beast baby. How would Stephanie Meyers write her way out of this mess? How could this possible turn into something that would someday be purchased by Hollywood and put onto a giant screen for all to see? HOW?! These were the questions that propelled me forward. And now, because I know, I am fully justified in telling you that if you liked that book you have issues.

I would be perfectly okay with accepting the movies. Even after all of that literally nonsense. As it turns out, however, when you say speak that literally nonsense out loud it's horrifying. Not to mention Bella's monotone voice and constipated expression. And I could keep going with reasons why I am not perfectly okay with accepting the movies, but I won't.

Guys, these are not good movies. I've seen them, I know. Just accept it and we can move on. This is coming from someone who has sat through HSM3 seven or eight times. My limit for sitting through Twilight was 1.5

BUT, it doesn't end there. I could even accept a movie here and there if it weren't for the "Twi-hards". They are worse then 14-year olds at a Jonas Brothers concert. I'd even go as far to say being a Twi-hard is worse than being a Clay-mate. We're talking a whole other level. Mom's read this. Grandma's read this. I'm telling you, it freaks me right out. My Grandma should never be allowed to read what I read on pg. 84 of Breaking Dawn. No one should be allowed to wear an "I support Edward" shirt to church. There are lines that shouldn't be crossed and these people keep crossing them!

It's strange really. In any other circumstance I'd be right there with the best of them. I'm a very eccentric person, and a very dedicated fan. I love being crazed and obsessed. It continues to shock the friends who know me best that I have yet to accept this madness.

Maybe, just maybe, the reason I hate it all so much comes from deep within. Maybe my heart is two sizes two small. Maybe I'm a stiff old prune without a romantic bone in my body. Maybe the rest of you will find your Edward, make your own beast children, and I'll be left to dish out snide remarks. Only time will tell.

Okay, I'm done. You love me! I wonder how many followers I'll loose today...

monday.

2009-11-23T02:25:00.001-07:00

I used to always try to maybe somtimes blog on Sunday night. That way Monday morning would roll around and the world would be a better place because there would be some new and fresh flan to digest.

Yeah, not so much anymore.

I need to go to bed. This week's looking p-r-e-t-t-y crazy. I'll be working during any and all day-light hours mon-wed, while trying to fit my classes in there somehow... meanwhile, I'm FREAKING out about finals and my grades that may or may not determine my imminent future and the future of my children's children.

I'm hungry.

New Moon kinda sucked.

But I have to admit, that Jacob is somethin' else.

(papertissue)

new moon new moon new moon new moon

2009-11-19T23:18:00.006-07:00

New Moon.

I think it's safe to say the Blogosphere is swimming with those two words this morning.

As I type I have not yet seen the 2nd installment of the "Twilight Saga".

BUT I did check rottentomatoes.com , saw that it got a 28%, got really super excited (that's even worse than I had anticipated), and decided that I would make it my number #1 priority to see it as soon as possible.

One of my favorite critic quotes:

Being cast as Edward, the Hawtest Vampire of Them All, has, ironically, done Robert Pattinson no favors.

The Blogosphere needs my realistic spin on the whole thing, starting with the true and simple fact that Robert Pattinson is THE LEAST SEXIEST MAN ALIVE. Not to be confused with Mr. Johnny Depp, the most sexiest man alive.

There's a lot of men alive.

Anyway, the reason for the post... ahem... remember that time when I said I had some new titles for Breaking Dawn in mind? Well I think it's about time I shared them with the world. It's very fitting, blogging about Breaking Dawn, since most people will be reading about New Moon all the freaking day long, and I never was one to follow the crowd. Except for when it comes to Harry Potter, or Snuggies, or anything else that's popular. (Did you know they have Snuggies for dogs?!?!)

Pedophelia: It's a Werewolf Thing

Bella and the Beast Baby

Bed-crashing Vampire Sex

Screwed

(this can be applied to so many aspects of the story, no?)

Mommy, Where Do Vampire Babies Come From?

101 Ways to Terrify Young Teens Into Never Having Sex With Mythical Creatures.

Suck

Dead Lines

Consider them met.

Breaking a Yawn

Acid-induced Nightmare

Bedward

Two names aren't always better than one, Renesmee.

I realize that some of those were a pathetic attempt to be funny, but you HAVE to admit, Bella and the Beast Baby... doesn't get much better than that people.

If you were offended by some of my titles then just remind yourself that I was by no means exaggerating and you know it! Bed-crashing vampire sex took up at least 10 pages of that book, if not more.

Bedward is my favorite. Use it all you want, but remember -- you heard it here.

story time!!! (lucky you)

2009-11-11T23:48:00.008-07:00

In remembrance of all things November I have decided to share a story that has yet to be shared... on the Flan anyway. It's a scary/odd/funny/random/AWESOME story, but here's the catch -- there's a slight change that you had to be there.

Okay, I guess you had to be there. You should read it and *think it awesome anyway. Or don't, but for all those who need to pass the time looking busy at a desk (Veronica) -- this one's for you!

*How Jane Austen of me.

...........

I find myself in a plethora of ridiculous situations. There have been so many times in my life when I think "if only they could see me now". Sometimes I would have never dreamt up these things in a million years. My mom says it's because I put myself in situations where ridiculous things are bound to happen. Psychotic death wish? Perhaps.

So this one time (last November) I was in Estonia. The details aren't necessary, because the point of the story is that I happened to be there and I happened to be staying in a hostel called "Euphoria". It was exactly how it sounds. As exciting as Estonia is, we were having a difficult time finding activities to fill out a 5-day stay. While spending our days at Euphoria to smoke huka pipes was tempting, we declined, and instead we asked a girl who worked there to point us in the direction of some Estonia themed activites. She told us about a door. It might have been the huka talking, but she told us we should go there and knock, and that we would not regret it. What did we have to loose? I mean, other than our lives and possibly our carnal treasures?

Two hours later we found the door. It was quite the task, seeing as all mid-evil doors are strikingly similar. After a few seconds hesitation we knocked, and were soon greeted by an elderly man who spoke only Ukrainian. He nodded as if he knew why we had come, and then turned back and expected us to follow. Follow we did. Something in the back of my mind told me that I had seen this before... maybe in a foreign horror film? The front psychotic part of my mind was telling me to see where this would lead.

He lead us into his chapel, which was actually the main floor of his house. This eased my rational fears. People with chapels in their house aren't the kind of people who chop you up into little pieces and hide you in floor boards, right? He lead us into the middle of the floor and motioned for us to stay put. We watched him walk back towards to door and pull a chain down from the wall. I was still feeling okay about things. It was four of us versus one Ukrainian monk. We could take him, and then we'd have quite the story to tell. As he pulled the chain the floor began to shake. The section of floor directly in front of me began to open, revealing a dark stair case that lead to what I was thinking was a place I'd rather not know about. Turns out he was hiding things under his floor boards, only it wasn't the bodies of female twenty-somethings. It was eggs. Lots of painted eggs, displayed on shelves like art.

Unexpected.

He walked to the corner of his egg gallery to a spiral staircase that lead up. Up was good. He motioned for us to follow, and we did. The top floor of his "house" appeared to be a classroom. There was a long table covered in half-completed craft projects. In an adjacent room a man who appeared to be homeless was eating soup and looking in our direction. It was four versus two. This dropped our odds of "taking him" significanlty.

People who make crafts with children and feed homeless Estonians don't chop you into little pieces, right?

He then took us to a room where he ground his own flour, processed cotton, made paper, and horns from tree branches. The Ukrainian monk was completely self-sufficient. He never had to leave his gate, and my best guess is that hadn't in years. He was proud of the place he had built, and our looks of shock and awe were the reason he let tourist like us walk through his doors. It was like he wanted to show us how other people live. He wanted us to know about him and his life. He couldn't tell us, or any of the Estonia speaking population for that matter, so he wanted to show us. The poor god-fearing Ukrainian was lonely.

Lonely old men sometimes chop people up and hide them in the floor boards... just as that crossed my mind, he lead us back to safety. The rusty door shut behind us, and we stood there silently contemplating what we had just seen. It was so... just so odd. The true essence of this story would could never be felt through the written word. If you thought it was odd, trust me when I say it was 10 times odder. The truth is, I thrive on experiences like these. They keep me from becoming complacent. They keep me aware of the world around me. I never want to miss out on weirdo crap like this, ridiculous as it may be.

.................

I just realized that this is a somewhat anti-climatic story. I guess I'm not too good at building suspense and then going somewhere with it... or telling climatic stories.

Estonia also brought us the marionette puppet show, where the audience included the 4 of us and the entire 1st grade class from the International School of Estonia. I won't tell you that story... except for I kind of already did. That's the whole story.

Estonia was funny.

HAPPY NOVEMBER!

How are your miracles coming? So far I...

Got way better on a test than I expected.

Fulfilled my dream of going to a murder mystery dinner.

Got back to my pre-Russia weight. NOVEMBER-DAY MIRACLE! Still lots more to go though!

Rode my bike to school three times in the past week, because the weather was ridiculous amounts of awesome.

And now I'm just waiting to win tickets to the world premier of New Moon... (hehe)... November-day miracles come in the least expected of ways, so if anyone's going to win them it's me.

Oh! I also bought a coat of the color mustard.

Check. It. Out.

What a beaut.

The Monk man's church, complete with dungeon.

call me crazy

2009-11-09T22:09:00.002-07:00

But someday soon I am going to wear this dress:

With these boots:

And maybe some pretty patterned tights?

Like these:

Or... maybe just black. I haven't decided yet.

I think just black.

mark. my. words.

If you people go make this dress out of stock I will hunt you down in nothing but a pair of fabulous boots. It won't be pretty.

I'll just save us all the horrific trouble and not tell you where this is from, but if you read my blog or your name is Meg you already know.

it's macaroni and cheese shaped like your head!!!

2009-11-06T21:58:00.002-07:00

me: If I were friends with a celebrity I would give them their own merchandise as gifts. Like, as in stuff with their face on it. HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I got you this soap dispenser with a 3 inch, slightly disfigured you on it!

Julianna: I wonder how long you'd be friends with them...

me: Whatever, they would love me. It would be like an inside joke. MERRY CHRISTMAS ZAC! A towel! Now you can wipe dry with a life size version of yourself!!!

Julianna: I wish Miley Cyrus was your friend. I really do.

me: I know.

Congrats guys! I got each of you a dinnerware set!...

NOVEMBER-DAY MIRACLES!

2009-11-02T21:40:00.003-07:00

November is a month of miracles. I didn't realized the presence of November-day miracles until last year , but I think they've been around forever. If my calculations are correct (update: they're not) I was conceived in November, and if that's not a miracle I don't know what is.

So keep your eye out, and your mind open. Miracles of this type could pass you by without notice if you're not careful. Keep me up to date on all your November-day miracles. I want to hear what November has in store for you!

It just so happens to be the last day I can eat anything with fat in it for approximately 70 days. Earlier today I found Ben and Jerry's Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough ice cream on sale for $3 at Albertsons. IT WAS A NOVEMBER-DAY MIRACLE!

Let them begin, I say. Let them begin!

thanks paper tissue :)

you can hot-glue anything to elastic and call it a headband these days...

2009-10-29T12:56:00.002-06:00

Um... yikes. To whom it may concern - your baby looks pretty embarrassed, as she should. She'll never forgive you for putting that goose on her head and plastering it all over the inter-web.

This is for sale somewhere on etsy.com. I'm not giving you the link because I don't support nonsense.

some things i'd like to share because it's Thursday...

2009-10-29T01:05:00.008-06:00

I will feel left out if I don't experience this H1N1 fad. Like my body's not cool enough to contract the pig virus. That's being said, I am washing my hands religiously. Like 57 times a day.

VAMPIRES, VAMPIRES, BLOODY VAMPIRES! I am about to go postal on everyone. Mark my words, if this ridiculousness doesn't end soon... well, for starters, Stephanie Meyers is going to get a strongly worded letter. I don't know if I will make it through Halloween unarrested (yes, I just made "unarrested" a word). I can only look at so many (probably 3) poorly designed Bella customes before my fist will find its way to someone's face.

Dear Adam L,

Oh you. Just when I had forgotten all about your obnoxious facial expressions...

Thank you, Adam. Thank you. I've been laughing since the second I laid eyes on your dashing album cover (about 45 seconds ago), and it will continue to fill my life with laughter every time I see you in the entertainment section of Wal-Mart. Were you going for seductive? Perhaps mysterious? Ooh, maybe you were trying to shock us?

Here's my breakdown...

50% disturbing

40% TACKY

10% something else

Are you in space? Are you naked in space? Do they have that much eyeliner in space? I'm so confused!

Confession: since Hilary Duff joined the cast of Gossip Girl I've seen every episode. I hope Blair comes up with an elaborate plan to get rid of her soon so I can end this madness.

What I thought Party In The U.S.A lyrics were:

I hopped off the plane at LAX with a dream in my cart again
Welcome to the land of fame and sex, whoa am I gotta fit in?

What Party In The U.S.A lyrics are:

I hopped off the plane at LAX with a dream and my cardigan
Welcome to the land of fame, excess, whoa am I gotta fit in?

I hate when that happens. Whatever, if you ask me singing about cardigans is lame.

i want...

2009-10-22T21:12:00.007-06:00

To treat everyone how I treat some.

I want to know what happens in season 3 of Lost.

Someone who can stand on their own.

Someone who lets me stand on my own.

Maybe someone to see who I could become?

To rediscover some of who I was at 16.

I want to rediscover the waist I had at 16.

I want to be passionate about something.

I want YOU... for the U.S. Army?

I want to be a better student.

To be a better person.

I want to write like Sylvia Plath... only I won't be suicidal, k?

I want Ryan Renolds. (Just throwing that out there.)

To think of others before myself.

I want to love myself no matter what.

I want to travel.

I NEED to travel.

I want to immerse myself in other cultures. Every culture. (Maybe not every culture.)

More people who do less complaining.

More people who do more.

I really want a pumpkin spice donut from Krispy Kreme...

I want to read books. Lots and lots of books.

I want to be genuine.

Is that too much to ask?

Love, Taren

a better edward

2009-10-20T23:28:00.002-06:00

Looks like I'm still on a Twilight rant... sorry guys. I'll be done after this post... well, at least until November 20. Part of my hatred for the Twilight franchise has a whole lot to do with Robert Pattinson. What is that all about? All of hollywood to choose from and they choose that guy? I mean, seriously. I have a long LONG list of people who I think would make a better Edward than Robert Pattinson...

#1 Tom Welling

#2 Zac Efron

#3 Boone, from Lost. (sorry guys, don't know his real name.)

#4 How about any of the Backstreet Boys?... except for Howie. He was never good for anything.

#5 Jonathan Rhys Meyers

#6 John Stamos

#7 Ellen Degeneres

#8 Sean Connery

#9 this guy

#10 pretty much anyone named Kevin

Kevin Richardson

Kevin Sorbo

Kevin Bacon

Kevin Jonas

Kevin James (I've always had a huge crush.)

Kevin Rose (I found this guy in google image search. He looks nice.)

#11 a block of Swiss

Alright, well, I think I got my point across. Although, I wasn't kidding about Kevin James. I love him. He is my own personal brand of heroine. Interestingly enough all of these actors would have made a better Bella. Quite the coincidence.

HOW?!?!?!

2009-10-20T13:44:00.004-06:00

How is this (see below) NOT funny?! Just look at Jaspers face! I can hardly wait. I don't dare go to the midnight showing. I thought about it for 2 seconds, and then decided that my loud outbursts would most likely get me shot. But mark my words - I will be there the next morning. I will try to take it seriously, but chances are I will not be able to grasp how THIS can be taken seriously. At all. Ever.

What was Dakota Fanning thinking?

Oh, and it gets worse...

It's bare-chested Indians in cargo pants! That's funny, people! HILarious! It reminds me of a Chinese boy band that once decorated the wall of my Chinese bedroom. Shocking resemblance, no?

someone's not getting the appreciation they deserve.

2009-10-16T15:04:00.004-06:00

The Backstreet Boys are an under appreciated gem. I think sometimes our generation forgets how truly epic and soul changing they are, and have been. Every two years or so I rediscover their true potential and I fall in love with them once more. I just got back from a short road trip, where the first three BSB albums were blasting like it was 1999. Song after song, and we new every word. I'm sure that you, like me, have forgotten just how many legendary songs they brought to our adolescent years. Allow me to remind you. I have compiled a list of my top 11 Backstreet songs (I couldn't settle on just 10). It was hard to narrow it down, but if I had to choose my most favorites they would be...

11 I Want It That Way from Millennium, 1999
10 Don't Want You Back from Millennium, 1999
9 I'll Never Break Your Heart from Backstreet Boys, 1996
8 Get Another Boyfriend from Black and Blue, 2000
7 Everybody (Backstreet's Back) from Backstreet Boys, 1996
6 Helpless When She Smiles from Unbreakable, 2007
5 Shape of My Heart from Black and Blue, 2000
4 Crawling Back to You from Never Gone, 2005
3 Larger Than Life from Millennium, 1999
2 Drowning from Backstreet Boys: The Hits - Chapter 1, 2001
1 The Call from Black and Blue, 2000.

I will admit - I do not own Never Gone (2005) or Unbreakable (2007). I'm so ashamed. And to top it all off their latest album, This Is Us, came out this week and I had no intention of buying it. (What's the point without Kevin?) No intention whatsoever, until our 3 part rendition of Larger Than Life, the greatest fan anthem ever, filled the car with joy and reminiscent...ness. Somewhere during, I felt like buying their latest attempt to recapture their former glory was the least I could do. $10 is a small price to pay for a lifetime of musical sustenance.

Thank you BSB, cuz boys you always were - boys you always were - boys you always were, the perfect band.

And if they ever make a movie about you, I'll be there. Opening night. That's just the kind of fan I am. Unless you pull a Britney Spears on me... there are certain bounds that my loyalty does not exceed.

I'm out the door to Target right now. Soon my top 11 will be a top 15, I'm sure.

random thoughts on a wednesday

2009-10-14T00:34:00.009-06:00

Okay, I really want this:

Only I can't find it anywhere. I can only find people talking about it. This etsy store was selling it, and guess what? Sold out. Drat. Isn't it some kind of wonderful?

I always feel better when I rearrange the furniture. But seriously, our front room looks SO much better and SO much more... Asian... which is just my cup of tea.

How many times do you pee a day? I pee like 12 freaking times a day.

I saw this at that dreadful place they call Shopko:

That makes me think "pooping puppies". No thanks, I don't want pooping puppies to remind me what month it is.

Don't ask me why I was at Shopko. I don't want to talk about it. I was in just long enough to buy some batteries and see the word "pooped" on a calender. The only thing worse than Shopko is Kmart. And, pray tell, how is it that they stay in business when EVERY TIME I've been in a Shopko I am THE ONLY one there? It's freaky I tell you!

I am currently IN LOVE with a little place on the web called ModCloth. It makes me want to wear dresses every day. It makes me hate every day I am forced to wear pants.

These, right here, are what's keeping this diet going.

I struggle with can openers. I remember the first time I opened a can of fruit that had the soda style built-in opener on the top. I was so thrilled I cried a single tear. Dear people of the earth, why can't ALL canned goods come packaged this way? We could do away with can openers forever. I don't understand. Why must something so evil and unnecessary be necessary?

Whew, it feels good to get all that out of my brain. I guess this counts as a blog post? Wahoo! Which reminds me - your comments make me laugh. Sometimes they make me laugh hard. There is times I wish I could hug you through the computer screen. So I'm going to do this from now on...

FLAN'S COMMENT OF THE WEEK

this week's FLANTASTIC comment goes to...

H to the izzo

"Are you collapsing like a Flan in a cupboard?"

Maybe you don't think it's funny, but it sure made me laugh. I think flan is funny... obviously.

blogging is not my friend lately.

2009-10-08T17:40:00.003-06:00

Sometimes my flan is up, and sometimes it is down... if you get what I mean. Since school started it seems that all my creative mind energy is being wasted on things like Geology and monkey gestation periods. I don't even like rocks. Who knows, I might get my groove back soon, but until then I've got to figure something out. I love my flan. I don't want to see her crash and burn (I just gave my flan a gender), and let's be honest - these arm bum posts are not going to cut it. Hmm... maybe I could start from 2 years back and re-post everything in chronological order. I hardly think anyone would notice...

Well friends, I'm headed home... on my bike... because I am just that cool.

p.s. Flan's two year "birthday" is coming up soon. How to celebrate?.....

arm bum or real bum (round 2)

2009-10-07T00:59:00.001-06:00

*hint* it's always an arm bum

(still funny)

I'll probably loose another follower today... krieky.